December 5, 2017

It’s no secret that this time of year is depressing for me.  I get sad and start questioning me.  I just finished watching a movie that made me sob.  It reminded me how family is everything, even in the middle of the craziness that is family.  It made me question where I went.  What happened to the me that I was; adventurous, daring, courageous, fun, happy go lucky, independent, etc.  Somewhere in my adulthood, I lost that person.  It made me question my childhood; why I get this way during the holidays, why I remember things different from my siblings, is what I remember a lie or my version of the truth.

I look at my husband and wonder where we went.  The couple we were when we first got together.  We’d be adventurous and explore.  Now we act like old people and don’t do anything.  The thing is, we aren’t old.  Our bodies may have limits, but we lack the sense of adventure that we used to have.  Where did we lose that couple?

How do we get that couple back?  Do we want that couple back?  Do we want to be a couple?  Yeah, things that go through my head.  Probably not a good thing to watch movies that question these things. However, isn’t it good to question these things?

I guess if one watches things that present questions to oneself, that self should look at those questions and think them through.  I know, it sounds a lot like work and I’m not keen on looking within myself to find the answers to these questions.  Probably why I remain stuck where I am.

Happy Holidays – Bah Humbug!!!

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Rock It

A year has passed!  How time does fly.  The last post was a daily devotional I was doing.  I didn’t do the last day.  Another thing left not completed!  Was this by choice?  Was this laziness?  Was it that I lost interest?  I’d say a little of all!!

What I haven’t done is talk about my life with Scleroderma in a while.  Yes, I still have it.  Yes, I’m still  frustrated with it.  Yes, I still cannot type with it as my hands don’t stretch.  Which could also be a reason that I don’t blog like I used to.  I could get a mic and a program to turn my vocal words into typed words, but I’m afraid that I’d be misunderstood as much as Alexa misunderstands me!!  Of course, that would be an interesting post, in between my cuss words!!!

I’m still here and enjoying time with the grand-littles!!  I get tired easily but I’m trying to stay focused.  I wake up in the morning (ok, sometimes in the afternoon) and my brain has a list of things for me to do:  Laundry, vacuuming, dusting, scrub the floors, etc.  But, I don’t get too far as my body just laughs at my brain and its enthusiastic ambition.  I find that I only do what I have to in order to keep the health department away, but, this place is no where near as clean as I’d like it to be!!  It’s frustrating!!

Hubby’s been great at taking over what I my hands are limited doing.  He now cooks and does the dishes.  He’s getting adventurous with his culinary skills and dinners turn out great!  Not only does he cook and take care of the kitchen, he’s my driver and assists me in walking, putting on a jacket/sweater/button down shirt, etc.  My arms don’t go behind me to put these on anymore, so he has to assist.  It’s a disappointment to me that I’m losing this ability, but thankful that he’s here.

What I miss is my girl time with my friends.  I miss talking for hours escaping my house to visit in theirs or the park.  I miss wandering around the thrift stores to see what might be a great find!  I miss going to lunch with my girlees and just be girls!  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near my son and his family, but, I do miss my friends!!

I have a friend that moved to Idaho.  We talk almost everyday by messaging.  She’s been my saving grace as I still  feel connected to her with the distance between us.  My face is taking on a 2 tone appearance.  Around my eyes & nose, the skin tone is light.  The rest of my face is a couple of shades darker.  I asked her today if I should rock the two tone or get makeup.  I LOVED that she said to rock it!!  I really don’t like wearing makeup!!

I have Scleroderma that is changing my skin, body & organs.  I could be ashamed & hide  or I could just carry on with my head held high and accept the changes that I’m going through.  I choose the latter, but, I do try not to complain.  I know I could be worse off than I am.  I know this disease could turn ugly, so I shall accept the changes and rock it with all I got!!

So get out there and rock your life!!  I’m sure going to rock mine!!!

May 3, 2016

Who is your favorite superhero?  It’s interesting that they have to go through a darkness before they become a superhero.   My favorite is Iron Man.  I like his wit and his brain.  But he went through a darkness and full of pride until he crashed to the bottom.  He had isolated himself.  Until he joined forces, he able to conquer the enemies.  He figured out that working as a team was better than working alone full of pride.

I’m not saying that his pride didn’t show, because it did.  He just knew that he needed to be a part of The Avengers to take down the enemies.

I can relate to isolating.  Sometimes I like to sit in that isolation and loneliness.  However, if I sit there too long, I get to thinking about things.  Things that I’ve conquered in the past.  Things that I assume are true, but really aren’t.  Then my pride starts in and I start to self talk about my hurts of the past and start blaming things or people that may or may not be true.  It’s my perception of truth, not real truth.

We weren’t meant for isolation.  I think it hurts us more, the more we isolate.  Once I fill my brain with that self-doubt, pride, blame, resentment and eventually anger, my whole attitude goes downhill.

Have I conquered my isolation, well, not really as it’s only hubby and I in this apartment.  I don’t venture out much.  I miss fellowship with others, but I’m thankful for technology so that I can still be in touch with those that challenge me and help me be a better self.

When I am alone, I now talk to Jesus.  He saves and He keeps that darkness from taking over my being.  There’s power in the name of Jesus.  This power is inside me.

May 2, 2016

Which would you rather do, buy a new house or an older one?

A new house, well everything would be new, however, the price may be over budget.  An older house, although the price would be reasonable, one would have to consider the cost of renovation and add that to the price for a good comparison of both.  However, an older one should have a mature landscape … which can also create problems; tree roots, old plumbing pipes, basement leakage, etc.

If one is not a handy person, the obvious choice would be to buy new.  But, what if God took that mindset with us?

What if He decided that we, being the one that needs renovating, is too much trouble?  Where would we all be?

I’m thankful that God doesn’t take the easy road with us!  He chooses to work on the existing person.

We don’t have to wait until we are perfect to come to Jesus.  Here’s a news flash, we will NEVER be PERFECT in this world!  God meets us right where we are; in the midst of pain, in the midst of our own destruction, in the midst of the darkness.  God is right there with you, waiting for you to call on Him.  Only Jesus will make you perfect, in God’s timing.  Don’t be surprised if it is when He returns. He is still working on me.  I’ve fallen into the wilderness too many times to count, but, He still picks me up and puts me back on His path.

I’m remembering a cartoon on Facebook.  It was a drawing of Jesus and me (not me, but it might as well be me!)  The first frame says, “When you see only one set of footprints, that’s when I carried you.”  The next frame, still the same picture but it says, “When you see a drag mark, that’s when I dragged you kicking and screaming!”  There have been many times that He’s done just that!  No I’m not proud of it, but thankful that He did.

When we find ourselves in the wilderness, who moved?  Not God, He has a path and plan for our lives.  He stays steady on the course.  We are the ones that drift in the current.

Walking through Mud

That is how I feel.  It is taking everything I have to move.  Not sure what that is about.   I’ve had a sore throat for a week now.  I did a candida spit test and I have candida, but not as much as I thought I would have.   I probably should have taken the test BEFORE I started the Candida Cleanse.  HAH – I always do things backwards – no wonder my body does the same.

Listening to The Black Atlantic as part of the coffee house music on Spotify.  I should really get up off my rear and accomplish something, but I’m not sure I am able.  I have one thing crossed off my list today, not a good start as it’s 11:26am.

I watched The View to see Barbara Walter’s last show.  I have her special set for the DVD – I don’t know why, maybe it’s just a part of history in the making.  It is interesting to see how many women she opened the door to be a news person.  HAH, after the show, the ladies on our local ABC channel commented about why they weren’t there.  I yelled at the Tele and said because you aren’t that good!!  The whole daytime news team (which includes 1 male)  can’t read a script.  Sad Sad Sad!!

The local CBS channel morning news team, oy … when this person arrived, she couldn’t figure out which camera to look at.  Of course, I yelled at the tele – Hello, look at the camera with the light on top!!  Sometimes I wonder if it’s the producer messing with her, switching the camera back and forth.

I guess with everything, standards have ‘laxed.

Well, time to start checking off items on the list  Lord, help me!!

The First Day of February

Disclaimer – I’m not responsible for any typos or non complete sentences as I’m blogging under the influence.  

The progression of my disease keeps  me in pain.  I’ve had to back out of a couple of meetings due to my body not cooperating with the morning.  I miss Toastmasters and Women of Grace, because I’m doing good just getting to work before the doors open.

I’m now walking with a cane.  I don’t know why I hadn’t done this before as it takes the weight off my knee, so hopefully it won’t be as painful AND I need to stop being stubborn and just use the darn thing!  The cool thing about this cane – it was my brother’s.  Hubby cut it down for me.  I’m still getting used to being in sync with walking and steps, but I’m getting there.  I still cannot go up a flight of stairs.

In March we are traveling to Nebraska to meet our new granddaughter.  Then after that we will be going to Vegas to visit family.  I’ve been debating on taking advantage of the wheelchair offered at the airport.  I probably should use the wheelchair that way I won’t end up over exerting myself and be down for a day or two of my 1 week vacation at each destination.

I left work early yesterday as my knees decided to rebel and the pain was affecting my thoughts.  I couldn’t stay focused with the throbbing.  Hubby picked me up and brought me home.  He surprised me with the cane, as it had been a couple of weeks that he said he was going to cut it down.

I think my knees finally had enough as it had been an active week at work.  The constant walking/moving/up and down out of the chair was enough that they finally decided to quit working.  My right knee wouldn’t bend without shooting pains.  I get aggravated but there isn’t much I can do.  Well, I could start taking a mild form a chemo drug (in addition to the other ones) to see if it will work on the pain, but I’m still being resistant to this option.

I have applied for a handicap placard so we can park closer wherever we go.  I’m hoping to have it before we leave for Nebraska at the end of this month.

I’m excited to travel and see my kids/grandkids but apprehensive as I’m not as mobile as I was the last time I saw them.  Heck I’m not as mobile as I was last March.  Strange how fast this disease is progressing and affecting me.  I’m thankful hubby is going with us as I know I would not be able to travel without him.  I know he gets frustrated being my caretaker, but he really is there for me.

We’ve talked to my doctor about disability.  As it takes so long I guess I really should look into it.  If I continue to progress as fast as I have these last 7 months, what will the next 7 months look like?

The 30th was one of our pastor’s birthdays.  Actually the one I have a good working relationship with.  I made him the Better Than Sex Cake (that’s what it’s called) or as my brother-in-law calls it, “The Chocolate Death Cake”!  LOL, I was glad to hear he really liked it.

Sunday is the Super Bowl.  Which team are you rooting  for?  As my Steelers and  hubby’s Vikings are not there, I don’t have  a  preference.  I saw a preview of the puppy and the horse commercial (of course it was Budwiser) so I may be watching for the commercials AND to see Bruno Mars.  Other than that, I don’t have much interested in the game.  Personally, I think the Broncos will dominate the game.  But kudos to both teams for getting to the Super Bowl!!  How cool is that!?!?!

I’m going back to bed to get these legs up!  As I spend so much time in bed, I may need to get a new mattress or switch the one from the spare room to our room.  I’d really like to get a memory foam mattress and I keep eyeing the ones on Overstock.com … but that will be in time.

Well, y’all have a great weekend.  Talk at you later.

Happy New Year, 4 days late

I started the new year with a bang – sick – again!  I am not amused nor amazed!  Of course, hubby is worst than me.  All I can say is – Not. Again.

I was so happy to say goodbye to 2013.  It was a rough year, starting from the beginning.  I had high hopes that 2014 would be better, that is until we came down sick.  There’s an awful flu going around that can turn into viral pneumonia.  I’m worried that is what the hubs has.   Being viral, well, not much they can do.  He’s been on antibiotics to keep any infection at bay, but his ribs are hurting evrytime he coughs or sneezes.   He does have the strong cough syrup, I may give him another dose so he can sleep.

Looking out my window, the sky is blue and the sun is shining bright.  I have the front door open to let some air in.  I really just want to go out there and wander.  My knees are not letting me do too much wandering these days.  They hurt and I wince, sometimes scream, when I have to move them.  I’m not thrilled that the right knee is getting as bad as the left.

The time is getting closer for the new grand-baby’s arrival.   I can’t wait to meet this little bundle of joy.  Thankfully both mom  & baby are doing well.

Not much else is going on from this side of the computer.   I hope you have a great weekend!