December 5, 2017

It’s no secret that this time of year is depressing for me.  I get sad and start questioning me.  I just finished watching a movie that made me sob.  It reminded me how family is everything, even in the middle of the craziness that is family.  It made me question where I went.  What happened to the me that I was; adventurous, daring, courageous, fun, happy go lucky, independent, etc.  Somewhere in my adulthood, I lost that person.  It made me question my childhood; why I get this way during the holidays, why I remember things different from my siblings, is what I remember a lie or my version of the truth.

I look at my husband and wonder where we went.  The couple we were when we first got together.  We’d be adventurous and explore.  Now we act like old people and don’t do anything.  The thing is, we aren’t old.  Our bodies may have limits, but we lack the sense of adventure that we used to have.  Where did we lose that couple?

How do we get that couple back?  Do we want that couple back?  Do we want to be a couple?  Yeah, things that go through my head.  Probably not a good thing to watch movies that question these things. However, isn’t it good to question these things?

I guess if one watches things that present questions to oneself, that self should look at those questions and think them through.  I know, it sounds a lot like work and I’m not keen on looking within myself to find the answers to these questions.  Probably why I remain stuck where I am.

Happy Holidays – Bah Humbug!!!

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May 6, 2016

Have you ever had something happen to you that you needed?  A check in the mail that covered your rent;  An outfit for a wedding;  A food truck given to you;  A car given to you to drive;  Bread baking pans in the mail.

I know of people that the above has happened.  It has even happened to me.  Where do you think that comes from?

God can work through other people.  He’ll take your prayer and put it on someone’s heart to answer that prayer.  I’ve seen it happen.  I’ve heard stories of it happening.

God provides we just need to have faith and believe that He will provide.  If it’s His will, it will be provided.  When it is, shout out and praise Him as He reigns!

May 5, 2016

When we take a vow of “For better or for worse,” do we really mean it?  I know at the excitement of the wedding day and of being together forever, but do we really mean those words, “for better or for worse?”

I know in my marriage we’ve had great times and we’ve also had times where it just about broke our marriage.  We stopped communicating with each other and started communicating with others.  When that happened, we started to think that the other person was really hearing us, instead of our spouse.  All I can say is at one of the breaking points in our marriage, when we were ready to move to opposite ends of the continent, God stepped in and healed our relationship, which healed our marriage.

I’m reminded today in my devotional, that God loves us, for better or for worse.  He loves me through my greatest joys as well as through my darkest of dark.  His love never changes and He never stops loving us!

Now that I’m ill, my husband does many little things for me; helps me get dressed, fixes dinner, helps me in and out of the van, rubs my hands and arms, rubs my shoulders and back, and many more things that I cannot do myself.  When I thank him, he says,”You are my sweetie!  I do these things for my sweetie!”

God loves me.  I am His sweetie and He does these things for His sweetie!!

May 4, 2016

Have you ever had an enemy?  It could have been at school or at work.  It’s funny how they may start out as a friend, then all of a sudden turns.  Like they were gathering intell and once that information was gathered, they would use it against you.

Sometimes, that enemy is me.  The voices in my head sabotage every thought as I’m trying to step forward in my faith.  I know who the real enemy is … it’s the enemy of my soul telling me I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, healthy enough.  I’m NOT …

Have you ever had an advocate?  I have had several and they do hold a special place in my heart.

Do I believe God is my advocate?  Yes, I do.  I believe Jesus speaks my name to God on the throne in my behalf.  Every time the enemy says to God those thoughts above or tells Him that I’m not worthy to be God’s child, Jesus speaks up and says, “Back off satan, this one is mine and is one that I love!”

How exciting is that?  I know my name is spoken in Heaven and I know Jesus loves me and calls me His beloved.

My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin.  But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father.  He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous.

1 John 2:1 NLT

March 15, 2016

I’ve been a little sad these past couple of days. Hubby and I had a fight on Sunday.  I wanted to go to church without him.  I can still drive, but for some reason he doesn’t think I’m able.  The reason I wanted to go by myself, well, he can be kind of a jerk when we go to a new church.  I didn’t want to put up with his attitude and I really wanted some time alone without having to worry about what he’s thinking, doing, or whatever.

I had told him the night before that I was going to try and go to church on Sunday.  He asked where, and I told him, and that was the end of it.  On Sunday as I’m getting dressed, he jumps out of bed and gets all mad that I didn’t say anything about going.  I told him that I was going to drive and he jumped all over that and said, “No, I’m not going to let you kill yourself!”  Really??!!  Where in the heck did that come from??  I have NO plans for that, but it really bothered me that he would say such a thing.  Then he says, “What do I tell our son, if something happens?”  Again, Really??!!  *Sigh*  Needless to say, we went to church.  I hate walking on eggshells as I’ve done that most of our married life!

No, I’ve not brought it up again for fear of what may come out of my mouth.  I’m hurt and sad that he would think such things.  All I wanted to do was worship God and be in His presence in His house.

Today on Facebook, this was in my feed, “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”  Ephesians 2:9

It’s so comforting that He lets me know that He sees and knows what I’m going through.  I can’t get through my life with my disease without Him.  I just wish my hubby could understand that.

February 26, 2016

Oh, it looked so close!!  The PCH prize patrol looked like they were in the Midwest where hogs, corn & soybeans were the state’s commodity.  It was promising until the next clue was, the winner does NOT live in the capital of his or her state.  LOL, well that takes me out!!  Bummer … $5,000 a week.  What would you do with that???

It’s been awhile since I’ve played the computer keyboard.  I may hunt and peck on the tablet or phone, but to actually be typing, well, not so much.  Main reason is that I hit the wrong keys while typing.  Not because I don’t know how, as I could, at one point, type 70+ words per minute, but, my hand doesn’t stretch that little bit to reach the next key, just out of the position.  It also may not help that my hands are sitting at an angle.

I’ve been a bit on the blah side.  I’m not sure if I’ve lost my purpose of why I’m here on this earth or if I’m frustrated at the realization of what my body is going through and further realization that I have this f)*&%%g disease!  The anger part is sitting just under the skin and can erupt without too much provocation.  Unfortunately, it’s at hubby.  Sometimes he deserves it, sometimes he doesn’t.  Yes, I do drop F Bombs when I’m angry.  The sailor in me comes out and I wasn’t even in the Navy!!

This month is our annual physical month.  Hubby’s had to do his tests and now I have to do mine.  I’m not happy about the camera up the bum.  The doc wanted to know why I didn’t do it last year.   I told him that I was poked and prodded enough last year, that I refused to go.  So, I guess I’ll have to go this year.  Then I’ll be good for another 10 years … well on that test anyway.

I also have to get a mammogram.  Ugh, my records are in Nevada, so they will have to contact them to get those so they can be compared.  The doc showed hubby how to do my monthly breast exam.  My hands don’t flatten out, so I cannot properly do one (not that I ever did before).  LOL, I was changing shirts and hubby looked at me and said, “Is it time for a breast exam again?”  That cracked me up!

This getting old sh*t is getting, well, old!!  Tests, exams, medications, why in the world did I want to be older when I was a kid?!?!  Oh wait, my youth wasn’t that great.  It was sprinkled with little bits of greatness followed by fear, disappointment, & sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near 3 of our grandchildren and seeing them every week.  They take away my blues and blahs, but when I’m not with them, I sit in this apartment watching the tele as my brain starts to lose it’s knowledge.  I’m not alone, as it is happening to hubby too.  I know we need to figure out what to do to keep us going, but sometimes, that seems a bit too much like work!  I did get to drive the other day as he was still loopy from his medical test.  It was quite fun and I should do that more often.  I’ll have to make small jaunts here and there, just so that I can feel a little more free.  The walls start to close in on me and it doesn’t help that winter was upon us.  Today is a beautiful day and I’m inside, marinating chicken wings to make fried Adobo wings.  It sounded good to me.  Not sure what I’m making with them, as I’m not as creative as my son.

Tomorrow morning, we are taking our grandson to his ice hockey tournament.  His team is 1st in his league, so he doesn’t have to be there until 10am.  I am excited to go and watch them play.  Near the ice rink is a store called Kolache Factory.  OMGosh … my son took me there last weekend, it was quite good and I look forward to stopping there tomorrow!!    So that’s my looking forward thing for this weekend.  I need to create more looking forward things each week, so I can get out of my rut.

Here’s hoping you all have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by my little blog!!

January 15, 2016

I’ve recently said to a friend that I accept and love her for who she is, the good, the bad & the ugly.  This got me to thinking, that she is more family to  me than a friend.  Which then got me thinking, what are the definitions of each?

Well, according to Merriam-Webster, these are the definitions:

Family:  A group of people who are related to each other

Friend:  One attached to each other by affection or esteem

I got to thinking, isn’t that supposed to be what is a family, attached to each other by affection or esteem?  I thought Merriam-Webster had them switched.  However, reading and hearing the news, people are demonstrating that they are just a group of people who are related to each other.  They lack the affection and esteem toward one another.  That thought made me sad.  My parents taught us that we are family through thick  and thin and that we are to love and respect each of our siblings as sometimes they may be all you have.

As I described my friend above, the actual definition of friend applies.  I think there should be a word in between that describes a friend that is more like family … Framily?  Famiend?  Familfriend?   LOL … I don’t know, but a combination of both.  I suppose Friend will do for now, if I go with the Merriam-Webster definition.  But she is family, as the saying goes, a sister from another mister!!

I am blessed to have family that are friends as well as friends who are family.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I just hope I can pass that on to my next generation.