May 5, 2016

When we take a vow of “For better or for worse,” do we really mean it?  I know at the excitement of the wedding day and of being together forever, but do we really mean those words, “for better or for worse?”

I know in my marriage we’ve had great times and we’ve also had times where it just about broke our marriage.  We stopped communicating with each other and started communicating with others.  When that happened, we started to think that the other person was really hearing us, instead of our spouse.  All I can say is at one of the breaking points in our marriage, when we were ready to move to opposite ends of the continent, God stepped in and healed our relationship, which healed our marriage.

I’m reminded today in my devotional, that God loves us, for better or for worse.  He loves me through my greatest joys as well as through my darkest of dark.  His love never changes and He never stops loving us!

Now that I’m ill, my husband does many little things for me; helps me get dressed, fixes dinner, helps me in and out of the van, rubs my hands and arms, rubs my shoulders and back, and many more things that I cannot do myself.  When I thank him, he says,”You are my sweetie!  I do these things for my sweetie!”

God loves me.  I am His sweetie and He does these things for His sweetie!!

February 26, 2016

Oh, it looked so close!!  The PCH prize patrol looked like they were in the Midwest where hogs, corn & soybeans were the state’s commodity.  It was promising until the next clue was, the winner does NOT live in the capital of his or her state.  LOL, well that takes me out!!  Bummer … $5,000 a week.  What would you do with that???

It’s been awhile since I’ve played the computer keyboard.  I may hunt and peck on the tablet or phone, but to actually be typing, well, not so much.  Main reason is that I hit the wrong keys while typing.  Not because I don’t know how, as I could, at one point, type 70+ words per minute, but, my hand doesn’t stretch that little bit to reach the next key, just out of the position.  It also may not help that my hands are sitting at an angle.

I’ve been a bit on the blah side.  I’m not sure if I’ve lost my purpose of why I’m here on this earth or if I’m frustrated at the realization of what my body is going through and further realization that I have this f)*&%%g disease!  The anger part is sitting just under the skin and can erupt without too much provocation.  Unfortunately, it’s at hubby.  Sometimes he deserves it, sometimes he doesn’t.  Yes, I do drop F Bombs when I’m angry.  The sailor in me comes out and I wasn’t even in the Navy!!

This month is our annual physical month.  Hubby’s had to do his tests and now I have to do mine.  I’m not happy about the camera up the bum.  The doc wanted to know why I didn’t do it last year.   I told him that I was poked and prodded enough last year, that I refused to go.  So, I guess I’ll have to go this year.  Then I’ll be good for another 10 years … well on that test anyway.

I also have to get a mammogram.  Ugh, my records are in Nevada, so they will have to contact them to get those so they can be compared.  The doc showed hubby how to do my monthly breast exam.  My hands don’t flatten out, so I cannot properly do one (not that I ever did before).  LOL, I was changing shirts and hubby looked at me and said, “Is it time for a breast exam again?”  That cracked me up!

This getting old sh*t is getting, well, old!!  Tests, exams, medications, why in the world did I want to be older when I was a kid?!?!  Oh wait, my youth wasn’t that great.  It was sprinkled with little bits of greatness followed by fear, disappointment, & sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near 3 of our grandchildren and seeing them every week.  They take away my blues and blahs, but when I’m not with them, I sit in this apartment watching the tele as my brain starts to lose it’s knowledge.  I’m not alone, as it is happening to hubby too.  I know we need to figure out what to do to keep us going, but sometimes, that seems a bit too much like work!  I did get to drive the other day as he was still loopy from his medical test.  It was quite fun and I should do that more often.  I’ll have to make small jaunts here and there, just so that I can feel a little more free.  The walls start to close in on me and it doesn’t help that winter was upon us.  Today is a beautiful day and I’m inside, marinating chicken wings to make fried Adobo wings.  It sounded good to me.  Not sure what I’m making with them, as I’m not as creative as my son.

Tomorrow morning, we are taking our grandson to his ice hockey tournament.  His team is 1st in his league, so he doesn’t have to be there until 10am.  I am excited to go and watch them play.  Near the ice rink is a store called Kolache Factory.  OMGosh … my son took me there last weekend, it was quite good and I look forward to stopping there tomorrow!!    So that’s my looking forward thing for this weekend.  I need to create more looking forward things each week, so I can get out of my rut.

Here’s hoping you all have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by my little blog!!

January 12, 2016

Last night hubby was going through boxes and found my school transcripts.  It showed I went to Kindergarten at a public school.  I remember going to a Parochial school for six years, but had no recollection of going to Kindergarten at this one school.  I kept thinking and thinking and yeah, nothing was coming to my brain.

I sent a message to my oldest friend, one that’s known me forever and asked her.  She gave me names of the two teachers at that time.  They both sounded familiar, so I wasn’t sure.  The teacher she had, she described her room and what she looked like and even where her room was at the school.  LOL, I don’t even remember going to that school.  It was amazing that she had these vivid memories and I had nothing.

As I thought about it, I remember bits and pieces, but nothing that is enough to make any sense.  For the six years at the Parochial school, I remember the playground, where & which classrooms were which, the principal, the teachers, but I could not describe each room or some of the teachers.  For my first three grades, it was easy as they were nuns and wore the same habit.  But the civilian teachers … nope.  I do know I had one teacher for 4th & 6th grade.  After that I went to a public junior high.  Now I do have memories of those year … well, more than my elementary years.

Why is it some people of great memories from childhood?  My hubby is the same way.  He’s moved all over the country being an Air Force brat, but he remembers years, places, details, etc.  It just amazes me.

I told my friend that she needed to write down our memories as mine are spotty!!  Thank God for friends who can piece together my past!!!  I know I’ll get the full flash of my life at judgement time, but I want to know now, not when I’m answering for them.  LOL

How far back do you remember?  And are these memories in full detail??

Flyers in Driveway

We still get flyers thrown in our driveway inside a plastic cover every week.  We don’t subscribe to it, it just appears on each and every driveway in the neighborhood.   MOST of the neighbors pick it up and throw it away.  EXCEPT for THE neighbor next door.  She insists on leaving it out there until it blows into our yard and hubby picks it up and throws it away.  Her excuse is that she didn’t order it and she wasn’t going to pick it up!

Really?  Are you that consumed with yourself that you cannot bend at your waist to pick up the flyer and put it in your trash?!?!   She could have the social service person that cleans her house do it when they are here!!  Why does it bother me?  Because she won’t do it and if hubby doesn’t it will be in our yard until he throws it away.  I know what I would like to do with it, however, that wouldn’t be very Christian of me!

Well, that’s the thing that is bugging me today!  HAH – stay tuned to what it will be tomorrow!  :-)

 

 

Happy New Year, 4 days late

I started the new year with a bang – sick – again!  I am not amused nor amazed!  Of course, hubby is worst than me.  All I can say is – Not. Again.

I was so happy to say goodbye to 2013.  It was a rough year, starting from the beginning.  I had high hopes that 2014 would be better, that is until we came down sick.  There’s an awful flu going around that can turn into viral pneumonia.  I’m worried that is what the hubs has.   Being viral, well, not much they can do.  He’s been on antibiotics to keep any infection at bay, but his ribs are hurting evrytime he coughs or sneezes.   He does have the strong cough syrup, I may give him another dose so he can sleep.

Looking out my window, the sky is blue and the sun is shining bright.  I have the front door open to let some air in.  I really just want to go out there and wander.  My knees are not letting me do too much wandering these days.  They hurt and I wince, sometimes scream, when I have to move them.  I’m not thrilled that the right knee is getting as bad as the left.

The time is getting closer for the new grand-baby’s arrival.   I can’t wait to meet this little bundle of joy.  Thankfully both mom  & baby are doing well.

Not much else is going on from this side of the computer.   I hope you have a great weekend!

 

That’s it

This is about all the decorating I’m doing this year.  Now, it’s difficult to put a tree up and take it down.  So, I don’t think I’ll be doing any decorating.  Which is okay, the kids don’t come around during the holidays, so it’s easier to not even bother.

We are going away for the night of my birthday.  We’re spending the night at South Lake Tahoe and I took the next day off, so we don’t have to hurry back to town.  Now that we are animal free, we can spend the night somewhere and not have to worry about muttley.  The deal includes 2 dinners & 2 breakfasts as well as a room.  This package runs until Dec. 20th, but will pick up again after the 1st of the year.  YAY!

We had a blast at Thanksgiving!  I haven’t laughed so hard or that much in a long long time!  Thanks, S4L for having us over!!!  I was down the next two days, one because I was very tired; the other, because it’s the holidays.  And you know me and the holidays – those dang blues get to rearing their ugly head.  So I spent 2 days in bed watching McMillan and Wife on Netflix.

I’m doing better now – I forced myself out of bed on Sunday to do laundry & dishes.  I knew if I stayed in bed another day, I wouldn’t be able to move come Monday.  When hubby got home, we wandered to the craft fair across the street and bought an ornament for the exchange at the Women’s Bible Study group.  Today I had to fight my knee pain.  When I finally got home, I took a pain pill and started feeling better.

Not much else new – just hanging in.

 

No Title, Just Feelings

So here I lie – well, not really, as I’m sitting up in bed, watching “What a Girl Wants.”

I’m frustrated that I’m sick and the antibiotics don’t seem to be working – I still feel crappy.  I love that the doc is sending another RX to the pharmacy – hopefully this new one will work.

I’m looking at my arms and seeing the change in my skin.  The sores, the rippling, the bumps & scarring – I don’t recognize my body anymore.  My hands are looking crippled and dark and my knuckles are red.

My throat hurts – not sure if it’s because I’m sick or if it’s this disease – or both.  It’s not fun – this craziness going on in my body.

I’m sad and scared – not of dying, but of not seeing  my kids & grandkids.

I’m frustrated that I don’t have a good relationship with any of them.  I know I’m probably to blame – but I don’t know what to do.  I did the best I could – but obviously it wasn’t good enough for them.

Sometimes I want to just give up – feeling unloved by my kids.  They don’t care – sometimes I wonder why I do.

I wish I had the money to do a bucket list.  Just go off and do what I’ve always wanted with hubby so we can live our last years together & make memories.  That’s a wish I’d love to happen.

It’s hard to think that one day I may be leaving this world.  Sometimes it’s depressing – but I know I’ll be going to home to Jesus – when the time comes.

I need to get our finances together & organized so when I do go, it’s not a complete disaster for Hubby.

I also wish my daughter had a forgiving heart.  She just cuts everyone off that confronts her – I pray she opens her mind and God softens her heart so she can truly accept things & be loving – to know what love is.  I miss her a lot!  I miss a close relationship with her.  I miss doing things together.  I just miss her.

I miss all my kids – maybe one day they’ll visit – hopefully it won’t be when it’s  too late and I’m not mobile or worse yet, during my memorial.

I’d ask them over for Thanksgiving, but I know I’d be disappointed as they would rather spend time with others than with me.

I may be sad – I may be depressed – I may be frustrated – but that’s how I’m feeling at this moment.

I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling unloved and neglected by my children.  This is probably how my mom felt with us.  What goes around, comes around, I suppose.

Hah – Woe is Me – I spend the days being sad – covering up as much as I can,  but still sad inside.

At times I think I should just buck  up and let it go, other times – not so much.