So here I lie – well, not really, as I’m sitting up in bed, watching “What a Girl Wants.”
I’m frustrated that I’m sick and the antibiotics don’t seem to be working – I still feel crappy. I love that the doc is sending another RX to the pharmacy – hopefully this new one will work.
I’m looking at my arms and seeing the change in my skin. The sores, the rippling, the bumps & scarring – I don’t recognize my body anymore. My hands are looking crippled and dark and my knuckles are red.
My throat hurts – not sure if it’s because I’m sick or if it’s this disease – or both. It’s not fun – this craziness going on in my body.
I’m sad and scared – not of dying, but of not seeing my kids & grandkids.
I’m frustrated that I don’t have a good relationship with any of them. I know I’m probably to blame – but I don’t know what to do. I did the best I could – but obviously it wasn’t good enough for them.
Sometimes I want to just give up – feeling unloved by my kids. They don’t care – sometimes I wonder why I do.
I wish I had the money to do a bucket list. Just go off and do what I’ve always wanted with hubby so we can live our last years together & make memories. That’s a wish I’d love to happen.
It’s hard to think that one day I may be leaving this world. Sometimes it’s depressing – but I know I’ll be going to home to Jesus – when the time comes.
I need to get our finances together & organized so when I do go, it’s not a complete disaster for Hubby.
I also wish my daughter had a forgiving heart. She just cuts everyone off that confronts her – I pray she opens her mind and God softens her heart so she can truly accept things & be loving – to know what love is. I miss her a lot! I miss a close relationship with her. I miss doing things together. I just miss her.
I miss all my kids – maybe one day they’ll visit – hopefully it won’t be when it’s too late and I’m not mobile or worse yet, during my memorial.
I’d ask them over for Thanksgiving, but I know I’d be disappointed as they would rather spend time with others than with me.
I may be sad – I may be depressed – I may be frustrated – but that’s how I’m feeling at this moment.
I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Feeling unloved and neglected by my children. This is probably how my mom felt with us. What goes around, comes around, I suppose.
Hah – Woe is Me – I spend the days being sad – covering up as much as I can, but still sad inside.
At times I think I should just buck up and let it go, other times – not so much.