Sunny Sunday

It is nice to have a sunny day outside.  I was out in it yesterday as our granddaughter had a volleyball tournament.  She’s becoming a good player and along with a good player comes the struggle of being hard on herself.  Her dad is really good at talking things through with her.  It helps that he talks and not yells.  I was thinking how proud I am of the man and father he’s become.  I couldn’t ask for anything more!!

Our fridge went out (the bottom part not the freezer).  My brain registered on Monday that the fridge didn’t seem to be cold, but I was cold and figured it was me.  It wasn’t until hubby asked me on Wednesday night if I thought the fridge was cold, did I remember my thought on Monday.  We called our landlord on Thursday and someone was out on Friday fixing it.  Unfortunately we lost all that was in the fridge.  Yesterday, we went out to replace most of the spoiled items.  It’s frustrating but that’s the way it goes.  I’m thankful that it got fixed and we were financially able to replace those items.  If we were thinking, on Monday, we could have moved everything to a cooler and put in the garage as it was quite cold out there!!

I must admit, I’m ready for spring.  I saw how bad Northern Nevada got hit with 130-150 miles per hour winds.  It tore up trees, roof tiles, etc.  I feel bad for the cleanup that is going on, however, it looks like they are ok.

My arms have been screaming lately.   I only have 1 pain med left and I’m saving it until it’s completely unbearable.  I go to my new rheumy on the 21st (I think that’s the date).  I can’t wait!  It will be interesting to see what she tells me as my other rheumy had only seen about 5 cases, while this new one has more.  Hoping that she’s more informed on this disease.

Our van is doing good, even though we haven’t driven it much.  With the snow this past week, we tend to stay home until the streets dry up.  The weather is supposed to be good this week so hopefully the snow will be gone.

That’s all we’ve been up to.  Hope you have a great Sunday!!!

Happy New Year, 19 Days Late

Wow, was November really my last post?  Well, the old house got packed, the truck got loaded, thanks to many amazing friends and we drove half way across the country thanks to our son!!  Also Thanks to our oldest daughter for letting us crash at her house along the way!

We found ourselves in Nebraska, Homeless, Car-less and Jobless.  It’s a weird feeling when everything you own is in a 10 x 15 storage unit!  Well with overflow in our son’s garage and basement.  We lived in his basement for a month, which was nice as we were able to spend Christmas and New Years with them, get to know the baby or have her get to know us.  LOL

On December 31st we signed a lease for a 2 bdrm, 1 bath duplex (we’re on the main level and have neighbors upstairs.)  However, we didn’t move our stuff in until the 2nd, again thanks to our son and his friends!!

We’ve actually only lived here since the 7th as we’ve been sick for a month and no energy to do this.  We learned from our new doctor here that the first month in a new area, your body has no immunity.  Well, it’s a double whammy as I don’t have an immunity system at all.  We’ve managed to catch this every lingering upper respiratory mess.  One or two days you start feeling better and then it’s back to feeling crappy for another one or two days.  And that’s on antibiotics.  I’m hoping we’ll be done with this soon!!  I’d say we both are about 75% better and just started the second round of antibiotics … yeehaw!  I’ll be so very happy when this coughing stops along with the blowing of my nose!!

We still are car-less, so we borrow our son’s vehicle when we need to go out.  Wow, that’s come full circle … having to ask to borrow the car!

It has been very cold, however, this week it’s been real nice.  I’m able to go out in a sweatshirt and sweatpants.  I still wear my warm fuzzy boots, keep my feeties warm!

All in all, we are doing good.  Trying to get into a routine, but not compromise the body’s immune system.  Such a fine line I have to walk.  I need to listen to my body more and not want to go and see the grandbabies in their activities.  This Sunday was a good example of that, I had insomnia Saturday night and my body was telling me to stay home and not go out.  So I missed the band concert and the b-ball game.  My son did take me to the pharmacy to get the next round of the drugs.  So instead we stayed home and are tying to put the front room together.  It’s coming along, I still have a few things to do, but it may have to wait until tomorrow, we’ll see.

Hope you all are having a great Monday!!  I’m going to see what I can or cannot do … lol … dang body!!!

It’s All Good

Today is my boy’s 33rd birthday.  How is that possible?  Yes, that is my baby and he’s 33!!!   *sigh*  All 3 of my kids are in their 30’s.  yikes!!  But it’s all good!   LOL I’m finding I’m more tired each day.  I seem to do less and less things each day as I tire easily.  Plus the fact that I’m here alone 3 days a week, so I don’t have any motivation.  That is due to change in a week.  We are sitting Stomper for 2 weeks.  So I’m excited!!

It’s almost August … how much packing have I done – ZERO.  I’m in overwhelmed mode, but I need to kick my but in gear and start working on it!! It’s monsoon season right now.  Threats of rain and rain and rain.  Threats … Out of the last couple of weeks, it only really rained hard once.  But, there are times I miss the blue sky.  I also miss using the swamp cooler for our cooling system, as once it is a little humid, the swamp cooler doesn’t work.  Although the sunsets are quite beautiful!!

Hubby’s going to work on my bike this week – I hope!  So at least I’ll be able to ride around the block or 2, each day.  Everyone asks if I can balance on a bike …. I guess we’ll find out.  Thankfully I can touch the ground while sitting on the seat.

I’m debating doing a bible study on Monday night.  Would that be too much for me or do I need to do a study before we move?  It is Beth Moore’s Esther.  I’m thinking about it.  I need to check with hubby to see if he’s going to work at the church Monday night or if I will need a ride to and from.  We’ll see.

So, here we are, Tuesday morning.  I’m doing my daily load of laundry.   LOL – how is it possible that we generate a load of laundry each day?  I don’t understand!!  I can honestly say that it’s my hubby as I only wear a house dress, as my skin is so sensitive. A couple of weeks ago, hubby and I went to Sand Harbor, Lake Tahoe.  We’ve been here 14 years and have not put our feet in the lake.  Well, except that one time when we were at Memorial Point and I dropped the keys among the boulders into the Lake.  He was showing me around the lake as we had just moved here.  Yeah, he had to take off his clothes and belt and all (he kept his pants on … as he says, he had to go quick so they didn’t signal that a whale has beached!), go into the lake, which was chest high and then bend over to pick up the keys that were, “Just there, I can see them!!”   I kept saying.  Yes, there are times he married a platinum blonde!  Oh wait, I am …. LOL … well, a platinum blonde salt & pepper one!!

Anyway, a couple of Fridays ago, we went to the lake and hung out for a couple of hours.  It was fun and we need to go back many times before we leave.  After that we went home and got ready to go to the Reno Ace’s Ballgame.  We sat on the first base line and I LOVED it!!  We were so close to the action and you get sucked into the game, all the fun stuff going on and have a really good time.  Yes, that we’ll have to do again … but it needs to be done by August.  We’ll see.

So that’s what has been going on in my world … how is yours?

No Title, Just Feelings

So here I lie – well, not really, as I’m sitting up in bed, watching “What a Girl Wants.”

I’m frustrated that I’m sick and the antibiotics don’t seem to be working – I still feel crappy.  I love that the doc is sending another RX to the pharmacy – hopefully this new one will work.

I’m looking at my arms and seeing the change in my skin.  The sores, the rippling, the bumps & scarring – I don’t recognize my body anymore.  My hands are looking crippled and dark and my knuckles are red.

My throat hurts – not sure if it’s because I’m sick or if it’s this disease – or both.  It’s not fun – this craziness going on in my body.

I’m sad and scared – not of dying, but of not seeing  my kids & grandkids.

I’m frustrated that I don’t have a good relationship with any of them.  I know I’m probably to blame – but I don’t know what to do.  I did the best I could – but obviously it wasn’t good enough for them.

Sometimes I want to just give up – feeling unloved by my kids.  They don’t care – sometimes I wonder why I do.

I wish I had the money to do a bucket list.  Just go off and do what I’ve always wanted with hubby so we can live our last years together & make memories.  That’s a wish I’d love to happen.

It’s hard to think that one day I may be leaving this world.  Sometimes it’s depressing – but I know I’ll be going to home to Jesus – when the time comes.

I need to get our finances together & organized so when I do go, it’s not a complete disaster for Hubby.

I also wish my daughter had a forgiving heart.  She just cuts everyone off that confronts her – I pray she opens her mind and God softens her heart so she can truly accept things & be loving – to know what love is.  I miss her a lot!  I miss a close relationship with her.  I miss doing things together.  I just miss her.

I miss all my kids – maybe one day they’ll visit – hopefully it won’t be when it’s  too late and I’m not mobile or worse yet, during my memorial.

I’d ask them over for Thanksgiving, but I know I’d be disappointed as they would rather spend time with others than with me.

I may be sad – I may be depressed – I may be frustrated – but that’s how I’m feeling at this moment.

I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling unloved and neglected by my children.  This is probably how my mom felt with us.  What goes around, comes around, I suppose.

Hah – Woe is Me – I spend the days being sad – covering up as much as I can,  but still sad inside.

At times I think I should just buck  up and let it go, other times – not so much.

Melt Down

Yes, I finally melted down last Saturday night.  I was thinking of my longevity and started feeling unloved & unappreciated as I thought about my children and how they haven’t visited in a long time.  One did visit in March, but it was on the way to a funeral.  We did get to keep 2 of the 3 grandchildren overnight, which was great fun!!  With talk of returning sometime this summer, my hopes were dashed as summer is now over and the school year has started.

So, yeah, all the self-talk going on in my head just became too overwhelming and I lost it.  Hubby was so great at just holding me as I cried.  The next morning, he stayed home with me as I continue to cry uncontrollably.

I know my kids have their lives, which we’ve always told them that their immediate family (spouse & children) come first before anyone else, but one would hope all or any of them would visit more often.

As much as my husband was supportive, my son was just as much, with his words of encouragement and support.  He’s always been the one child that lets me into his life, whether good or bad.  It’s not favoritism, however, he is the farthest away, yet, he’s the closest, as he calls more often.

We’ve taught our children to be independent … It sucks that we did too good of a job!!


Happy Veterans Day!!!

Thank you to all that are serving and have served in the Armed Forces of these United States!  Because of your service and some, their sacrafice, we live in a country of freedom of speech, as well as freedom of religion.  So thank you all!!!

The past few months are coming back to me in bits and pieces.  In July, I had announced that our middle daughter was expecting.  Unfortunately, she lost the baby sometime before her next doctor’s appointment.  It broke my heart, not so much for me, but for her and her hubby.  I know she has been wanting a baby and to hear she was going to have a baby was such joyful news.  When they called to tell me what happened, I felt so sad for them.

She’s doing well now, but a loss can leave a scar so deep that it appears when you least expect it!

At the Women of Faith Conference, one of the speakers talked about losing a child.  Then she called those that had lost a child under any circumstances to stand.  It was quite comforting when I looked around and realized I wasn’t the only one standing and acknowledging the pain and hurt that goes with losing a baby.  Mine wasn’t due to a miscarriage, mine was due to an abortion.  Even though it was a choice, I think the part that hurts the most was that it wasn’t my choice.  The choice had been made for me by others, unbeknownst to the one I was dating.  Even though I’ve worked through so much of my past, I was surprised that just acknowledging what happened during this conference had my memories flooding back.  I’m thankful that it wasn’t a shameful memory, but a joyful memory that ended in sadness.