March 15, 2016

I’ve been a little sad these past couple of days. Hubby and I had a fight on Sunday.  I wanted to go to church without him.  I can still drive, but for some reason he doesn’t think I’m able.  The reason I wanted to go by myself, well, he can be kind of a jerk when we go to a new church.  I didn’t want to put up with his attitude and I really wanted some time alone without having to worry about what he’s thinking, doing, or whatever.

I had told him the night before that I was going to try and go to church on Sunday.  He asked where, and I told him, and that was the end of it.  On Sunday as I’m getting dressed, he jumps out of bed and gets all mad that I didn’t say anything about going.  I told him that I was going to drive and he jumped all over that and said, “No, I’m not going to let you kill yourself!”  Really??!!  Where in the heck did that come from??  I have NO plans for that, but it really bothered me that he would say such a thing.  Then he says, “What do I tell our son, if something happens?”  Again, Really??!!  *Sigh*  Needless to say, we went to church.  I hate walking on eggshells as I’ve done that most of our married life!

No, I’ve not brought it up again for fear of what may come out of my mouth.  I’m hurt and sad that he would think such things.  All I wanted to do was worship God and be in His presence in His house.

Today on Facebook, this was in my feed, “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”  Ephesians 2:9

It’s so comforting that He lets me know that He sees and knows what I’m going through.  I can’t get through my life with my disease without Him.  I just wish my hubby could understand that.

February 26, 2016

Oh, it looked so close!!  The PCH prize patrol looked like they were in the Midwest where hogs, corn & soybeans were the state’s commodity.  It was promising until the next clue was, the winner does NOT live in the capital of his or her state.  LOL, well that takes me out!!  Bummer … $5,000 a week.  What would you do with that???

It’s been awhile since I’ve played the computer keyboard.  I may hunt and peck on the tablet or phone, but to actually be typing, well, not so much.  Main reason is that I hit the wrong keys while typing.  Not because I don’t know how, as I could, at one point, type 70+ words per minute, but, my hand doesn’t stretch that little bit to reach the next key, just out of the position.  It also may not help that my hands are sitting at an angle.

I’ve been a bit on the blah side.  I’m not sure if I’ve lost my purpose of why I’m here on this earth or if I’m frustrated at the realization of what my body is going through and further realization that I have this f)*&%%g disease!  The anger part is sitting just under the skin and can erupt without too much provocation.  Unfortunately, it’s at hubby.  Sometimes he deserves it, sometimes he doesn’t.  Yes, I do drop F Bombs when I’m angry.  The sailor in me comes out and I wasn’t even in the Navy!!

This month is our annual physical month.  Hubby’s had to do his tests and now I have to do mine.  I’m not happy about the camera up the bum.  The doc wanted to know why I didn’t do it last year.   I told him that I was poked and prodded enough last year, that I refused to go.  So, I guess I’ll have to go this year.  Then I’ll be good for another 10 years … well on that test anyway.

I also have to get a mammogram.  Ugh, my records are in Nevada, so they will have to contact them to get those so they can be compared.  The doc showed hubby how to do my monthly breast exam.  My hands don’t flatten out, so I cannot properly do one (not that I ever did before).  LOL, I was changing shirts and hubby looked at me and said, “Is it time for a breast exam again?”  That cracked me up!

This getting old sh*t is getting, well, old!!  Tests, exams, medications, why in the world did I want to be older when I was a kid?!?!  Oh wait, my youth wasn’t that great.  It was sprinkled with little bits of greatness followed by fear, disappointment, & sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near 3 of our grandchildren and seeing them every week.  They take away my blues and blahs, but when I’m not with them, I sit in this apartment watching the tele as my brain starts to lose it’s knowledge.  I’m not alone, as it is happening to hubby too.  I know we need to figure out what to do to keep us going, but sometimes, that seems a bit too much like work!  I did get to drive the other day as he was still loopy from his medical test.  It was quite fun and I should do that more often.  I’ll have to make small jaunts here and there, just so that I can feel a little more free.  The walls start to close in on me and it doesn’t help that winter was upon us.  Today is a beautiful day and I’m inside, marinating chicken wings to make fried Adobo wings.  It sounded good to me.  Not sure what I’m making with them, as I’m not as creative as my son.

Tomorrow morning, we are taking our grandson to his ice hockey tournament.  His team is 1st in his league, so he doesn’t have to be there until 10am.  I am excited to go and watch them play.  Near the ice rink is a store called Kolache Factory.  OMGosh … my son took me there last weekend, it was quite good and I look forward to stopping there tomorrow!!    So that’s my looking forward thing for this weekend.  I need to create more looking forward things each week, so I can get out of my rut.

Here’s hoping you all have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by my little blog!!


Tonight I was feeling discouraged and loss of hope.  So strong that I was mad, sad, frustrated and felt that I don’t have a purpose.   What is God’s purpose for me?  I’ve wasted my healthy years thinking of me and now that I’m not well, I’m still thinking of me.

How do I proceed to do what God put me on this earth to do without being bogged down with thinking about what I’m going through.  How my body is changing with Scleroderma.  How do I go through the physical changes and not get so discouraged?

While sitting in my pitty party, God smacked me up side the head and told me to look up the verses in the Bible on Discouragement.

There are several that struck me and thanks to hubby’s Life Application Bible, I was able to go through the verses and read the commentaries.

The ones I highlighted in my Bible are:  Deuteronomy 1:22; Deuteronomy 31:8; Joshua 1:9; Joshua 8:1; 1 Chronicles 22:13; 1 Chronicles 28:20; 2 Chronicles 20:15; 2 Chronicles 20:17; Job 4:5; Isaiah 42:4; and Ephesians 3:13.

Over and over I’m reminded Do not be afraid, to be strong and courageous.  Do not be discouraged.

In the commentaries of these verses, one said the only way to lose is to give up.  Giving up is something I think about.  What if I just gave up and stayed in bed all day long every day.  So when I read, “The only way to lose is to give up” – well that got my attention.

Another commentary really hit home as I’ve got some things to face and deal with.  In 1 Chronicles 28:20 it says, “Be strong and courageous and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord God is with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.”  The commentary of this said to not be frightened of this task.  Fear can immobilize us.  The size of a job, it’s risks or pressure of the situation can cause us to freeze and do nothing.  One remedy of fear is found here; instead, get to work – getting started is often the most difficult and frightening part of a job.  Yes, I’ve been hit by God’s 2 x 4 again.  It’s such a simple solution, but a hard one in the flesh.

The best commentary is about 2 Chronicles 20:15 – We may not fight an enemy army, but every day we battle temptation, pressure & rulers of this dark world, who want us to rebel against God.  Remember as believers, we have God’s Spirit in us.  If we ask God’s help when we face struggles, God will fight for us and God always Triumphs.

I love the list of how to let God fight for us:

  1. By realizing the battle is not ours, but God’s
  2. By recognizing human limitations & allowing God’s strength to work through our fears & weakness.
  3. By making sure we are pursuing God’s interest and not just our own selfish desires.
  4. By asking God for help in our daily battles.

Why do I try to do things in my own strength.  Why do I get discouraged when it says right there that He is with me, fighting for me?

What started out as a very discouraged, no hope evening has turned into a comfort and encouragement from my Heavenly Father.  I can’t wait to attack the next verses on Hope and Illness.

Dog, Yard & X-rays

We’ve been dog sitting a Cocker Spaniel this past week.  His mom and dad come home sometime on Saturday and they’ll pick him up on Sunday.  I’ve really enjoyed having this dog around.  He is such a good boy and so loving.   Hubby just told the dog that he can’t tell his parents what we let him do.  LOL, yes, we’ve spoiled him.  Hopefully he’ll adjust to being home quickly.

One of our friend’s son needed extra money to get his phone fixed.  We had him over to rake the back yard as neither hubby nor I can do the yard.  It’s difficult with his messed up tendons in his elbow and my ridiculous disease.  He did a great job!!!

I’ve written my speech and now I need to memorize it.  It didn’t turn out like I thought it would, but I think it will be interesting.

I know my hubby tries to be supportive in all that I’m going through, but sometimes things get a little too overwhelming for him.  The other day his anger and frustration about not being able to fix it came out.  I feel bad as neither of us can do anything about it, just wait and see what’s next that the doc has to treat.  I now have to get X-rays on both knees.  It is never a dull moment in my world.

I’ve found a Vegan Blog with yummy sounding desserts, well yeah, it also had food, but I miss desserts!!  I got onto this blog because last night I had Kung Pao Tofu at the Chinese restaurant in town.  It’s now my new favorite thing to order there.  So I was trying to find recipes to make it at home.  I’m really missing  my sweets.

Anyway, thought I’d stop in and hear myself talk!  Y’all have a great weekend!!!



If I drank, I’d be having one!!!

An ending to a crap day.   Don’t ya just love those?  I went to the eye doc for a check up.  I’ve been a bit disappointed as my right eye is still blurry even with my new glasses.  So he says my cataract has grown.  I may need to have that surgery.  I have to go to his office in Carson because he has the scanner at that office.  So … I’m so friggin’ thrilled I could throw a nice heavy rock through my window, just to hear the glass break!  In my mind, I’m already breaking every thing in sight, including the televisions.   I’m mad, sad, scared and disappointed.  Aren’t you glad you are not me?

Now What?

Sometimes I think to myself … Lord, you can come anytime, I’m ready to be done with this body.  Then I think of my grand-babies and know I”m not ready to leave them.  This past week was one of those times when I was ready for Him to come.

Something new and exciting for me … Wet Macular Degeneration … for information on this, click here.   I’m not sure how I feel about it and I’m not thrilled there is no cure, but I’m thankful there is something they can do to try and slow down the progression of the vision loss.

I found out on Thursday afternoon that I had this and the doc wanted to get me in the next day to get the testing done right away., however, his and my schedule just wasn’t going to work.   I’m not thrilled there is a week wait, but then again, I need the week to prepare myself.  I’ve gone through all the normal initial reactions and now I’m slowly getting to acceptance.  It is, what is it and with God’s grace and guidance, strength, comfort and peace, I’ll get through this.   There have been times I’ve been sad, angry, frustrated and plain ticked off, but I’m working through it.

Thursday is the day I go through 2 hours of testing so my eye doc can determine the next plan of action.  Prayers are welcome and I’ll keep y’all posted.

Now back to my regular scheduled rant

Do you all know what day it is??  Normally it would be the income tax deadline, however, this year it is April 17th.  But still … as usual … I’ve waited until today to do the lovely paperwork.  Why do I wait so long?  Because it never fails, I have to pay at the end of the year, which really ticks me off.   I always hear about people getting really great refunds, etc.  What the heck is their secret??  They must be way better record keepers than I am!  Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine, Thank you very much!!

Of course, I could cook up great deductions, etc … however, that wouldn’t be right and besides, I would be the one that got caught!  So, I play by the rules and get (blanked) every year.  I really dislike this time of year!

I’m feeling sort of better.  Throat doesn’t hurt as much, it’s just irritated as my sinuses keep draining.  Fourth day of antibiotics and one would think I would be feeling great!  Yeah, not quite the case, but I am ssssoooo ready to go back to work.  Daytime TV is not entertaining!  The only things worth while watching are the NCIS reruns.

Well, I stopped in to rant and rave … I guess I’ll sign off.  I need to do the dishes.  Oh goody!!

Happy Sunday, y’all!