Sunday hubby brought out the Christmas decorations. I was getting all festive with working at the church and told him it was okay to bring them in. My neighbor lent us her small tree and it’s been sitting next to the TV with just the lights on.
I haven’t decorated in a long time. The last time, all of our kids came for Christmas when we lived in the middle of nowhere in the high desert. I want to say that was in 2002. Since my children weren’t going to be around, I haven’t had a desire to decorate. I don’t think I’ve ever gone all out with decorations, just a tree and stockings for the kids and whatever Christmas cards we would receive and that was pretty much it.
I opened the box to see what I still had to cheer up this lonely tree. As I started going through the decorations and the mini stockings I had for each of my children and spouses, I started sobbing. It was one of the most difficult things I had done in a long time. I ended up using a few of our old decorations and put up a few new ones that I had bought at Michael’s. I closed the box and I haven’t looked into the others. I was surprised at how sad I was. I had to close the box and put it away … I couldn’t go through them anymore.
I was almost in a hysterical state. I kept saying over and over … ” I can’t do this, I can’t do this … ” I have N E V E R done this before. It freaked me out … I ended up going to bed and covering my head.
Of course I was trying to hide this from hubby. Finally when I settled down, I came out and told him that this was as much as I could do this year. But, being a man, he didn’t totally get it. He understands, but … men just aren’t wired the same way as women and he really didn’t get what I was going through. I’m not sure I knew what I was going through. I don’t blame him for looking at me like I’ve sprouted another head, but … well, you know … sometimes it would be nice if he would just totally get where I’m coming from and just fold me into his arms for some comfort.
Anyway, it’s taken me a couple of days to write about it. So now, I’ll unveil my little “Charlie Brown” Tree