Where are my gifts?

I’m going through a serving hiatus at church.  This weekend’s teaching was on our gifts we were given.  Around the auditorium were 14 tables with the different ministries at our church.  Seventy-five serving opportunities available.  I walked by each one and out the door.  I keep wondering why I did that and why I had no desire to sign up for anything. 

I’ve bowed out of the children’s ministry this year, since I’m not always sure I’ll be there each week with my health.  I’ve bowed out of the feeding ministry, one because my share ministry had ended and two I lost the umph.  Now I’m thinking about bowing out of the choir ministry.  This year the choir director is pregnant and she’s trying to take it easy since she’s had problems in the past.  So this year choir would be a piece of cake, since we would only be singing for Christmas and Easter.  But I’m finding I don’t want to commit to that either.

Have I burned myself out or am I going through a defiant period of rebelling?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I’m frustrated with myself, because I keep getting in the way of what God wants me to do.  I’m frustrated with hubby, because I feel bad if I’m involved in something and he’s not. 

Then I get frustrated with myself again, because I’m letting someone stand between me and God.  Wow, did I really say that?  I know in my heart this isn’t true, because hubby always encourages me to do whatever it is I feel I’m being led to do.  But, ya know, there are times I feel like I’m growing and he’s not. 

I ran into someone who was in a bible study class with me.  She always felt sad, because she’d go to church alone.  Wondering what it would be like to go with her spouse.  Her spouse wasn’t a believer and she never pushed the issue.   Well, he’s starting to go to church with her and although he hasn’t accepted Christ, he is working toward this.  To see the joy in her that she gets to be with her husband and worshipping God together is really a blessing.   I understand how she feels, since this is the first church that hubby and I have gone together as a couple. 

Hubby has accepted Christ, but he still isn’t in to fellowship, etc.  I find I miss fellowship with other.  I miss my bible study, I miss the pantry, I miss the children, I miss singing … but the missing part isn’t strong enough to break through my stubborness and commiting.  Yup, I just said the key word, “commiting” … I know, I’m afraid to commit, since I’m afraid what will stop me, which is usually my health.  It took away so much of my time last year, that I ended up feeling disconnected. 

So this hiatus, I’m hoping will only be for this year.  I still love my Lord with all my heart, mind and soul.  I still want to serve him, but I’m not sure in what way.  Sounds like I need some face in the dirt praying to do and reconnecting my heart with His.

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