Trust

What a word.  Do you trust your spouse or signigicant other?

How much do you trust them?  100%? 75%?  50%?  25%?

You are probably wondering why these questions.

Do I have trust issues?  Oh, you betcha!  Being married going on 25 year and it has been 10 years since we almost split up, I definately have trust issues.  I’m not putting all the blame on hubby, because it would have to do with all my past relationships in my life.

I also have trust issues with people.  I don’t let anyone, outside of my family, close and even when it comes to my family, I may or may not tell them everything I’m thinking or experiencing.

So, what brought this on?  Ten years ago when we almost split up, I noticed hubby’s behavior while online.  He’d quickly minimize whatever was on the computer so we couldn’t see what was on and he’d get aggitated if we stood there.  It made me more and more suspicious, but I never said anything.

It actually ticked me off and I decided two could play that game!  Well, one thing led to another and we both ended up meeting someone – on opposite ends of the country.

To make a long story short, hubby asked for one more chance.  If you knew our history, this was one of many chances.  I said okay and we ended our other relationships and concentrated on our marriage and family.  I have to say hubby became a better father through all this.  Unfortunately, it was too late to mend his relationship with our middle daughter.

Little by little the protective wall around me and my heart was being wittled away.

Just the other day I was thinking how my defensive wall was gone and how our relationship was going well.  The I shocked myself out of this bliss and started hoisting up the walls again. 

Why, you ask?  Because everytime I feel this way, I set myself up for a fall.  So around 2:00 am, I woke up and hubby hadn’t come to bed yet.  I wandered into the office and he quickly minimized the screen.  Just that act brought back all those old hurts and I was fuming!  Normally I would let it go and fume until I explode.  This time, I confronted him.  He gave me his explanation and I continued to toss and turn until the alarm went off.

Do I believe his explanation?  Yes.  Do I trust him?  I’m at about 60% trust.  Will we talk more about this?  Probably.  When?  I don’t know.

Do I have trust issues?  Yuppers!  If I have trust issues with hubby, family and friends, then how can I trust my Father who loves me unconditionally.  It made me realize that I also have trust issues with Him.  Trusting God with my life, but always taking  it back because of whatever situation I’m in, I know what’s best to fix it.  Trusting God with my finances, but always taking it back to rework the numbers and negotiate my tithing.

Interesting lesson I’m learning today.  To Trust.  Trust in God for all my needs.  If I fully trust in Him, He can help me trust others.

Why do I feel comfortable saying all this here for the whole world to read?  Because it gets it off my chest and I can’t see your reactions.  LOL … isn’t that why we all are a part of the blogging world?