Delayed April 30, 2016

I’ve spent 3 days at Thrive Conference Online.  When we lived in Nevada, I went to this conference a couple of times.  Although it is extremely physically exhausting, it is extremely spiritually energizing.  This year was the first year that this conference was provided by an online stream.  With being in Nebraska, I cannot tell  you how much watching online filled my heart and renewed my spirit as I was completely depleted in my faith and full of doubt.  The darkness took over and I was left with the dark, depression, sadness, all things that are not from God.  If you want information on this conference, held at Bayside Church, click here.  If you are a Pastor or involved in ministry, this 3 day conference is one of the best shot in the arms one can get to renew your spirit and continue with your ministry.  I highly recommend this.  The general sessions have great speakers as well as many breakout sessions to choose from.  If you get your tickets now, there is a huge discount.  Get your tickets early as this conference sells out quickly!!

Lincoln Brewster has a new song out called, Oxygen.  Lincoln Brewster is one of the Senior Pastors at this church.  If you haven’t heard this song, check it out on YouTube.  I found a devotional Lincoln did on Oxygen.  It goes well, with the doubt I was having.  It went along with what one of the speakers spoke on.  One of the things that stood out from this speaker, Miles McPherson, was “Acknowledge your doubt then give it to God!”

The questions that was brought up in Lincoln’s first day of the devotional were all questions I’ve asked myself:

  1. Why am I here, low on finances (again?) I added “again”
  2. Why am I here in the doctor’s office getting  this horrible diagnosis?
  3. Why am I here at this impasse in my relationship with my spouse?
  4. Why am I here plagued by doubts and fears?

Wow … like I said, these are questions I’ve asked myself; how about you?

April 7, 2016

It should NOT be this difficult!!!  My new rheumy is putting  me on a new medication (Cellcept.)  My pharmacy said that it is not approved by my insurance.  Last night I called my insurance and they told me that the pharmacy needed to call and get a one time override so I didn’t have to wait for the meds.  After that, I would have to order my refills through them direct.  So I called the pharmacy back and told them.  They took the info.

This morning I checked my RX status and it still was sitting in the pending as insurance will not cover it.  I called them this morning and told them the above and they were to call me back.  I receive a call back and they told me the insurance company told them that I had to call them for it.  Which I told them that I had last night.

Anyway, I call the insurance again, however, they told me their system was down and they wanted me to call back in an hour.  I called back in an hour, finally got someone and she got the override done and told me to call the pharmacy to rerun it and it should go through.  Called the pharmacy and it went through!  OMG it was like pulling teeth trying to get ALL the information needed so that my RX could be filled.

Now going forward, my rheumy has to send the insurance company my script so when it comes time for refill, I have to get it refilled direct through them.  LOL, so … on to my next adventure!!

March 15, 2016

I’ve been a little sad these past couple of days. Hubby and I had a fight on Sunday.  I wanted to go to church without him.  I can still drive, but for some reason he doesn’t think I’m able.  The reason I wanted to go by myself, well, he can be kind of a jerk when we go to a new church.  I didn’t want to put up with his attitude and I really wanted some time alone without having to worry about what he’s thinking, doing, or whatever.

I had told him the night before that I was going to try and go to church on Sunday.  He asked where, and I told him, and that was the end of it.  On Sunday as I’m getting dressed, he jumps out of bed and gets all mad that I didn’t say anything about going.  I told him that I was going to drive and he jumped all over that and said, “No, I’m not going to let you kill yourself!”  Really??!!  Where in the heck did that come from??  I have NO plans for that, but it really bothered me that he would say such a thing.  Then he says, “What do I tell our son, if something happens?”  Again, Really??!!  *Sigh*  Needless to say, we went to church.  I hate walking on eggshells as I’ve done that most of our married life!

No, I’ve not brought it up again for fear of what may come out of my mouth.  I’m hurt and sad that he would think such things.  All I wanted to do was worship God and be in His presence in His house.

Today on Facebook, this was in my feed, “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”  Ephesians 2:9

It’s so comforting that He lets me know that He sees and knows what I’m going through.  I can’t get through my life with my disease without Him.  I just wish my hubby could understand that.

March 14, 2016

What is your passion?  What do you wake up wanting to do?  If you could not fail at anything, what is that one thing you would do?

I’ve lost sight of my passion.  I used to know what I wanted to do no matter what, but I do not even know what that is anymore.

Am I lost?  I don’t know.  I think I’m just in muck.  Trying to understand why my body doesn’t work and what I’m supposed to do.

February 26, 2016

Oh, it looked so close!!  The PCH prize patrol looked like they were in the Midwest where hogs, corn & soybeans were the state’s commodity.  It was promising until the next clue was, the winner does NOT live in the capital of his or her state.  LOL, well that takes me out!!  Bummer … $5,000 a week.  What would you do with that???

It’s been awhile since I’ve played the computer keyboard.  I may hunt and peck on the tablet or phone, but to actually be typing, well, not so much.  Main reason is that I hit the wrong keys while typing.  Not because I don’t know how, as I could, at one point, type 70+ words per minute, but, my hand doesn’t stretch that little bit to reach the next key, just out of the position.  It also may not help that my hands are sitting at an angle.

I’ve been a bit on the blah side.  I’m not sure if I’ve lost my purpose of why I’m here on this earth or if I’m frustrated at the realization of what my body is going through and further realization that I have this f)*&%%g disease!  The anger part is sitting just under the skin and can erupt without too much provocation.  Unfortunately, it’s at hubby.  Sometimes he deserves it, sometimes he doesn’t.  Yes, I do drop F Bombs when I’m angry.  The sailor in me comes out and I wasn’t even in the Navy!!

This month is our annual physical month.  Hubby’s had to do his tests and now I have to do mine.  I’m not happy about the camera up the bum.  The doc wanted to know why I didn’t do it last year.   I told him that I was poked and prodded enough last year, that I refused to go.  So, I guess I’ll have to go this year.  Then I’ll be good for another 10 years … well on that test anyway.

I also have to get a mammogram.  Ugh, my records are in Nevada, so they will have to contact them to get those so they can be compared.  The doc showed hubby how to do my monthly breast exam.  My hands don’t flatten out, so I cannot properly do one (not that I ever did before).  LOL, I was changing shirts and hubby looked at me and said, “Is it time for a breast exam again?”  That cracked me up!

This getting old sh*t is getting, well, old!!  Tests, exams, medications, why in the world did I want to be older when I was a kid?!?!  Oh wait, my youth wasn’t that great.  It was sprinkled with little bits of greatness followed by fear, disappointment, & sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near 3 of our grandchildren and seeing them every week.  They take away my blues and blahs, but when I’m not with them, I sit in this apartment watching the tele as my brain starts to lose it’s knowledge.  I’m not alone, as it is happening to hubby too.  I know we need to figure out what to do to keep us going, but sometimes, that seems a bit too much like work!  I did get to drive the other day as he was still loopy from his medical test.  It was quite fun and I should do that more often.  I’ll have to make small jaunts here and there, just so that I can feel a little more free.  The walls start to close in on me and it doesn’t help that winter was upon us.  Today is a beautiful day and I’m inside, marinating chicken wings to make fried Adobo wings.  It sounded good to me.  Not sure what I’m making with them, as I’m not as creative as my son.

Tomorrow morning, we are taking our grandson to his ice hockey tournament.  His team is 1st in his league, so he doesn’t have to be there until 10am.  I am excited to go and watch them play.  Near the ice rink is a store called Kolache Factory.  OMGosh … my son took me there last weekend, it was quite good and I look forward to stopping there tomorrow!!    So that’s my looking forward thing for this weekend.  I need to create more looking forward things each week, so I can get out of my rut.

Here’s hoping you all have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by my little blog!!

January 22, 2016

I recently caught a glimpse of my backside in the mirror today.  I knew I was losing condition there, but it reminded me of a baby elephant that one of the presenters named, “Wrinkly Bottom”.  His mom also had a very wrinkly bottom, however, the baby was very brave and would challenge the vehicle by lifting up its head and trunk, holding out his ears to look bigger.  At times, he would rear up on his hind legs.  Baby ellies are so funny when they do that.  He would charge and stop when the vehicle didn’t move.  When he looked around, he realized that the rest of the herd had moved off, he ran toward his mom, with his tail straight out behind him.  It had been a while since we saw Mr. Wrinkly Bottom.  We saw him the other day on game drive.  He wasn’t in a playful mood as he just kept running after mom.  So that’s what my rear reminded me of … Mr. Wrinkly Bottom!