December 5, 2017

It’s no secret that this time of year is depressing for me.  I get sad and start questioning me.  I just finished watching a movie that made me sob.  It reminded me how family is everything, even in the middle of the craziness that is family.  It made me question where I went.  What happened to the me that I was; adventurous, daring, courageous, fun, happy go lucky, independent, etc.  Somewhere in my adulthood, I lost that person.  It made me question my childhood; why I get this way during the holidays, why I remember things different from my siblings, is what I remember a lie or my version of the truth.

I look at my husband and wonder where we went.  The couple we were when we first got together.  We’d be adventurous and explore.  Now we act like old people and don’t do anything.  The thing is, we aren’t old.  Our bodies may have limits, but we lack the sense of adventure that we used to have.  Where did we lose that couple?

How do we get that couple back?  Do we want that couple back?  Do we want to be a couple?  Yeah, things that go through my head.  Probably not a good thing to watch movies that question these things. However, isn’t it good to question these things?

I guess if one watches things that present questions to oneself, that self should look at those questions and think them through.  I know, it sounds a lot like work and I’m not keen on looking within myself to find the answers to these questions.  Probably why I remain stuck where I am.

Happy Holidays – Bah Humbug!!!

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July 5, 2017

I trust everyone had a safe Independence Day.  Our’s was quiet.  Well, on our part.  We stayed home and listened to all the hoopla outside.  I did go outside and it looked like what I would think and smell a war zone would be like.  Our upstairs neighbor lit a box that had 10 fireworks in it.  Once the concussion hit my chest, I went inside.  I’m glad that holiday is over, but I’m sure there will be the odds and ends booming for the next week.

I’ve realized that hubby and I are practicing to be dead.  We spend quite a bit of time sleeping!  Mostly due to back and foot pain.  Other by lack of motivation.  I spend a lot of time in the house as it’s hot and humid outside.  It’s pretty depressing staying inside.  I’m frustrated that I’m stuck inside as I’m not driving.  So I feel like my wings have been clipped and my freedom is gone.  Which can be depressing as I used to be an adventurous one that would go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted!

I do miss being me!

Rock It

A year has passed!  How time does fly.  The last post was a daily devotional I was doing.  I didn’t do the last day.  Another thing left not completed!  Was this by choice?  Was this laziness?  Was it that I lost interest?  I’d say a little of all!!

What I haven’t done is talk about my life with Scleroderma in a while.  Yes, I still have it.  Yes, I’m still  frustrated with it.  Yes, I still cannot type with it as my hands don’t stretch.  Which could also be a reason that I don’t blog like I used to.  I could get a mic and a program to turn my vocal words into typed words, but I’m afraid that I’d be misunderstood as much as Alexa misunderstands me!!  Of course, that would be an interesting post, in between my cuss words!!!

I’m still here and enjoying time with the grand-littles!!  I get tired easily but I’m trying to stay focused.  I wake up in the morning (ok, sometimes in the afternoon) and my brain has a list of things for me to do:  Laundry, vacuuming, dusting, scrub the floors, etc.  But, I don’t get too far as my body just laughs at my brain and its enthusiastic ambition.  I find that I only do what I have to in order to keep the health department away, but, this place is no where near as clean as I’d like it to be!!  It’s frustrating!!

Hubby’s been great at taking over what I my hands are limited doing.  He now cooks and does the dishes.  He’s getting adventurous with his culinary skills and dinners turn out great!  Not only does he cook and take care of the kitchen, he’s my driver and assists me in walking, putting on a jacket/sweater/button down shirt, etc.  My arms don’t go behind me to put these on anymore, so he has to assist.  It’s a disappointment to me that I’m losing this ability, but thankful that he’s here.

What I miss is my girl time with my friends.  I miss talking for hours escaping my house to visit in theirs or the park.  I miss wandering around the thrift stores to see what might be a great find!  I miss going to lunch with my girlees and just be girls!  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being near my son and his family, but, I do miss my friends!!

I have a friend that moved to Idaho.  We talk almost everyday by messaging.  She’s been my saving grace as I still  feel connected to her with the distance between us.  My face is taking on a 2 tone appearance.  Around my eyes & nose, the skin tone is light.  The rest of my face is a couple of shades darker.  I asked her today if I should rock the two tone or get makeup.  I LOVED that she said to rock it!!  I really don’t like wearing makeup!!

I have Scleroderma that is changing my skin, body & organs.  I could be ashamed & hide  or I could just carry on with my head held high and accept the changes that I’m going through.  I choose the latter, but, I do try not to complain.  I know I could be worse off than I am.  I know this disease could turn ugly, so I shall accept the changes and rock it with all I got!!

So get out there and rock your life!!  I’m sure going to rock mine!!!

May 11, 2016

Today’s devotional is titled “The Lonely Around Us.”

I’ve heard in songs, “Let my heart break for those things that break Yours, God.” If our hearts are to be one with God, then what breaks God’s heart?

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”
James 1:27

When I read this, I started thinking that I don’t know any widows or orphans.  Then I was hit over the head with God’s 2 x 4.

I know people that have lost the true love of their life and have been alone after their love’s death.  They are constantly reminded of grief as the life they planned together was cut off too soon.

I also know people that were tragically killed in an auto accident and immediately left 4 children orphaned.

Did I feel God’s heart break over this … yes, I did.  It was almost too unbearable and I was the outsider to these events!

God wants us to love those that are lonely, hurting or lost.  We don’t have to fish slap them in the name of Jesus.  We just need to love them like Jesus.

 

 

May 10, 2016

Have you ever spent time faking a smile while inside you were broken. I mean really broken, heart shattered, mind shattered with whatever did the shattering. This could be a child, health, relationships, you name it. You don’t know how you can become whole again. To avoid talking about this, you put on the happy face. But to those that know you, they see the happy doesn’t reach your eyes. They can see that you are hurting. Those that don’t know you, take your smile as you are fine and go about their business.

Sometimes with those people, I just want to bonk them over the head and yell “See Me!!!” I’m hurting!!

How many times have you felt that way?

Thankfully God sees me! Sees my brokenness. Sees my heartache. He sees I am struggling. I just want to climb up in His lap and cuddle.

May 9, 2016

My devotional today talks about hanging in there. When I’m going through my own storm, people tell me to hang in there. But do I really? Do I really understand the words?

The author of the devotional I am reading, his family was going through their own major storm. As he prayed, he heard God tell him to hang on. Don’t stop his project of the new album or the new devotional, but to hold on … He has this. To trust God with not just part of the storm but ALL of the storm. They did and their storm, that shook them to the core, has passed and they are in a much better place than when the storm started.

With my health, I have to remember to hear “Hang in there,” not as a blanket saying, but as a direction from my Father. Letting me know to hang in there, hang on to Him as I go through all the waiting to find out my results of my tests. As I wait for the doctor’s appointment. As I wait …

May 6, 2016

Have you ever had something happen to you that you needed?  A check in the mail that covered your rent;  An outfit for a wedding;  A food truck given to you;  A car given to you to drive;  Bread baking pans in the mail.

I know of people that the above has happened.  It has even happened to me.  Where do you think that comes from?

God can work through other people.  He’ll take your prayer and put it on someone’s heart to answer that prayer.  I’ve seen it happen.  I’ve heard stories of it happening.

God provides we just need to have faith and believe that He will provide.  If it’s His will, it will be provided.  When it is, shout out and praise Him as He reigns!