Fire and Ice

This morning I was mad.  I was so mad I could feel the anger bubbling and the resentment building that I wanted to just explode and scream and yell.  Knowing that isn’t what Jesus would do, I sat and gave it all to God, my anger, my yelling, my madness, my resentment.  I feel so much better and the red I was seeing is fading away.  I’m pretty happy about that as my throat is sore and yelling and screaming isn’t something that would do me good.

When I went to the doc on Tuesday about my sore throat, I asked him about my hip.  I’m not thrilled about his diagnosis.  With the symptoms  I gave him, turns out I have Sciatica.  Basically, a nerve is being pinched, because my disc in my lower back is protruding out.  I’m supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible.  If it doesn’t calm down, it will eventually need surgery.  The minute he said the “S” work, I decided to find alternative help.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor.  He put me on the decompression table, which is a traction table.  It really felt good and soon I felt circulation in my feet … which I had no idea I was lacking.  After that he adjusted my back and neck.  I have to go through several treatments and I’m hopeful that it will relieve the problem.  He also gave me an ice pack, which I am to use as often as possible.

My GP gave me antibiotics for my throat.  It isn’t on fire like it was, but it is still sore.    So I just want to sit here and eat my sorrows away.   Probably not a good thing, but getting comfort from food is my downfall!! 

I guess I had better get the hubby up, so he can go to the eye doc.  Y’all have a great Thursday.  I’ll be going back and forth between the couch and the bed with my trusty ice pack and glass of water.

Which are you?

The coyote or the roadrunner?  My personal favorite is the tazmanian devil!  There are those rare cartoons when all three are in the same episode. 

It was quiet on the homefront yesterday.  I have no idea what the neighbor did yesterday, but I’m sure I’ll hear about it sometime this weekend.

Can her situation be dangerous?  Yes.  It all depends on how wacked out the ex-roomate wants to be.

Does she feel safe?  Yes and no, but she’s being brave.

Do I feel safe?  Yes and no, but with hubby being a peace officer, I’m not too worried about it. 

The good thing is that it has made me a bit more cautious.  I usually check my surroundings before I leave my house, but now I am more thorough.    I won’t be leaving my doors open, unless the screens are  locked.  I know a locked screen isn’t much of a deterant, however, it will give me time to react.

Does this piss me off?  Oh yeah … I’m pretty tired of her dramas landing in my world.  But then, she lives alone and has no one as close as next door.  So, what do ya do?

K-Love & Love Dare

As we were driving to work yesterday, K-Love was talking about the Love Dare.  Lisa and Eric on the morning show were going to do the Love Dare challenge.  This challenge is for 40 days and starting 1/6, it will take you to Valentines Day. 

I thought how cool that would be.  So my challenge to you and me is to try it for 40 days.  However, I do not want to limit it to spouses/significant others … what if we extended it to family, friends, neighbors and yes, strangers.  How would it affect the world?  Or your part of the world?

Today’s challenge:  Be patient again today and do at least one kind thing that someone else wouldn’t expect.

What is desirable in a man is his kindness. (Proverbs 19:22)

This could be holding a door open for someone or letting that car in that’s trying to cut you off and not displaying that hand gester while doing it or  pay for that car behind you in the drive up, just to name a few.

Yesterday’s challenge was to be patient.  Don’t say anything you’ll regret.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2 NIV

This was a real challenge for me.  Hubby was telling me about his day and I was getting upset.  I’ve been down this road with him many times with many of his jobs and I was getting mad and angry.  I was about to spew awful words and remembered the challenge.  Then I saw this beautiful sunset.  As I was commenting on it, he stopped so I could snap this picture.

Seeing the beauty removed the words, although it did take me a while to deflate my anger.

Survey says … Premonition

Damn!  Damn! Damn!

A storm blew into our marriage in 1987 & 1997.  The one in 1997 had us separated, seeing other people and possibly moving away from each other, to the opposite ends of the country.  Only by God’s grace did we stay together.  When 2007 arrived and things were still going well, I figured our little cycle was broken.  Then I started waiting for the other shoe to fall.

It finally did last night, two years late.  Words were pretty close to my head confrontation, however, instead of my sis’ house in Vegas, it was in the church parking lot before Christmas service.  Nice!

I think what hurt me the most was being told that I’m not supportive.  F–k!  Seriousely?  For 28 effin years I haven’t been supportive … ARGH!!!!!!!!  

So, the 2007 storm blew into my life in 2009.  It must have been hung up by the mountains or something.  I’m just hanging on to God’s hand.  I know He’ll get me through this tornado that has landed smack in the middle of my world.  I just have to have the courage to face what is waiting for me on the other side of this cyclone.

It’s like going home again

I missed posting yesterday because I joined a small group at church last night, obeying the pounding on my heart.  I am so glad I did.  I saw and hugged so many people!  I loved it!  They even teased me saying I was there in the flesh and not on facebook. 

He really knows what I needed, as the group I was invited into accepted me without any reservations.  They all have such a heart for God and a love for Jesus, but are going through struggles.  I almost said struggles of faith, but it really isn’t that.  More like the age old battle of good and evil.  One of the guys said it best when he commented about the battle going on in our world and in ourselves between good and evil. 

I was reminded that satan is angry.  He is frantically trying to get as many souls as he can, because he knows his time is short.  The enemy of our souls will stop at nothing to put a wedge between us and our Lord God. 

Sharing our personal trials within our group, it was clear that the stronger our passion for the Lord is, the harder the battle was being fought inside and around us.  Litteral me could see the angels fighting the demons. 

I just have to keep my eyes on the Lord.  When we are judged on that final day, I would like to actually hear the Lord say, “this one is mine.”   Something He says often when satan tries to condemn me in front of my Father.

If you feel the worldly chains binding you with anger, depression, fear, frustration, resentment, pride, arrogance, infidelity, lust, envy, unforgiveness … or whatever is of this world … I hope you know there is hope.  There is a way to break those chains and be free.   If you want to know how, ask someone who has a passion for the Lord.  If you don’t know of someone close to you, ask me, I would love to share His word with you, pray with you or pray for you.

Cold Case rerun

One of the reruns of this show was just on.  I had such a reaction to the show.  It was about four brothers being killed on the street over the years and the last brother is left with the mom.  Mom turned out to be a druggie, but she didn’t always used to be.

Granted this family was a black family and the way the show started one would think it was all gang banger related … but as it unfolded, it was just a family trying to keep it together through trying times.   I’m not saying that they weren’t in a gang, but I’m saying that it was more family related than gang related.   The oldest brother was killed because the baby brother wandered into a gang’s alley, riding a scooter he just won from his essay at school.  From there, the other brothers were killed due to vengence. 

The oldest one  was just trying to stick up for his baby brother and get his scooter back.  The rest of the brothers were killed because revenge had sickened their lives.

They tried to do right, unfortunately, in order to take care of their mom and family, they turned to the street to survive. 

The message was pretty clear.  Don’t look at something and assume.  Not everything is what it seems to be.  This really hit me hard.  How many times have I seen something and made an assumption; a judgement?  Still as I write this tears well up, because there are just too many times that I’ve been the detective on this show and had the same assumption as she. 

How about you?  Do you see something and just assume it’s what you see and you assume you know all about their lives; all about what they go through?  My sister used to have a saying on her wall:  “Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.” 

Here’s to walking a mile in some elses shoes, BEFORE, we claim we know what they are going through.

Relationships

When do you say enough is enough?  When do you stop trying?  When do you just give up? 

Well, I’m there.   I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve tried to reach out and sometimes when we are together, it’s okay, a bit strained, but okay.  The rest of the time, my calls don’t get answered.  I don’t get any response back.  If we do talk, it’s usually a one word answer.  I get it, I’m bothering this person.

So … I’m done.  I’m done trying.  I’m done reaching out.  I’m done, because I don’t have it in me anymore to try harder than the other person is willing to try.  

It saddens me greatly because this person is one of my children.  It hurts deeply because it is one of my children.  It is probably my fault, I’m sure, but I can’t try anymore.  The ache inside is way too much to bare. 

So, my question to you is … when is enough, enough?  When do you stop trying?   When do you just give up?

Thursday already

Home from class and I’m whipped.  Yes, I feel like I was rode hard and put up wet.  LOL, what the heck does that mean?  If it means I’m exhausted and beat, well, that’s me.

Class is a hard one anyway.  Any class that you have to deal with your own stuff in addition to learning how to help someone else deal with their stuff is pretty much mind blowing.  One person said it best, I feel like I’m beat up everytime I leave.  But, we keep coming back for more. 

However, you can’t help someone else, if you have your own stuff you haven’t dealt with.  We all are broken in one way or another.  It’s amazing what triggers your own stuff when going through the chapters, lessons and exercises.  I was making the exercise way harder than it was.  I was paired up with 2 new people and I couldn’t get my thoughts together.  Ugh, hate it when that happens.

Poor hubby was in another group, but he still isn’t feeling well.  At one point he was sitting there shivering from the chills. 

He’s having a the kind of winter I had last year when I was continually sick.  I really do not wish that on anyone and I feel bad that he is going through it this year.

Well, tomorrow is Friday and I am so ready for it!  I think I’ll sleep all weekend.  I definately have gotten used to the reduced work days.  Not sure how I feel about going back full time when it gets busier.  Something to ponder.

What’s your part in it?

Judgment and control … wow … there is so much of that in today’s world.  I try so hard to not be these two things, but, there they are taking over my thoughts and words.

In class, the pastor told a story on himself.  One of the things I love about this church is most of the pastors (Senior Pastor included) have no problems sharing a story where they fall short of God’s teaching. 

Anyway, his story was about driving and having people in his way when he was trying to get where he needed to be and then back home in time to take his children to school.   On the way up and back, people were in his way.  He was starting to get angry with them and trying to get to his destinations in time and thinking bad thoughts … you know, like we all do in traffic when no one wants to drive, just, what seems to us, sightsee.

As he was driving back he was hit over the head with what he was doing.  He was judging these people and trying to control traffic.  We don’t have control of other people, especially in traffic.  We also don’t have a right to judge, we don’t know their circumstances.  What the pastor was hit over the head with was this, these are my people also.  He quickly repented and apologized to God for doing His job.

It’s amazing how God will use other people to make a point.  This pastor didn’t have to share this story, especially this particular one about traffic.  But it was a story that we, okay hubby mostly but me also, had to hear.  Thursday morning, we were leaving our neighborhood.  We have a round-about on the highway that circles the street to the high school and the highway.  Many people have a hard time navigating the timing to get through the round-about.  So, as we waited and waited for the car in front of us to go, hubby lost his temper and reached over and layed on the horn.

Embarrasing?  Yes, I was driving.  When we got through, I yelled at him and asked him what the F was wrong.  Whatever it is isn’t that bad and he needed to chill the F out.  I don’t usually do this.  I usually sit in silence and fume.  But that day, I was tired of being late and having to rush.

Which gets me to the title of this post … after telling his story, the pastor said, when you feel you are starting to control a situation that isn’t in your control or judge someone that you have no right to judge, ask yourself, “What’s your part in it?” 

The pastor’s part was not calculating the time correctly to navigate through rush hour traffic.

Our part in it, was we were late again and in a hurry.  It wasn’t the car in front of us’ problem.  It was ours.

Live like you were dying

That’s the name of the teaching series at church.  We’ve missed the first two, however, we did make it to church today and what was the topic?  Forgiveness … our pastor having been on the dying end of pastoral care, the last thing a person wants and hopes for is to forgive and be forgiven. 

In our teaching notes was this statement:  Forgiveness is relinquishing my right to hurt you for hurting me.   

Also in our notes was:  “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”  Hebrews 12:15

Now I just have to remember to do that, relinquish it to Him.  Not let it fester or cause resentment and bitterness in my heart like a bad root that kills.

Our pastor asked who in our lives do we have to forgive for the hurts they’ve caused.  The first one that came to my mind was the person that sexually abused me when I was a little girl.  The other one was my dad for the times I had been beaten.  The first one, I had forgiven awhile ago and I didn’t have any hurt inside anymore.  The second, took me by surprise.  My dad came into my mind and the tears started to fill my eyes.  Good thing they were closed so the water  couldn’t escape.

Who has hurt you deeply that you need to forgive?  Try it, it will lighten the load.