That’s it

This is about all the decorating I’m doing this year.  Now, it’s difficult to put a tree up and take it down.  So, I don’t think I’ll be doing any decorating.  Which is okay, the kids don’t come around during the holidays, so it’s easier to not even bother.

We are going away for the night of my birthday.  We’re spending the night at South Lake Tahoe and I took the next day off, so we don’t have to hurry back to town.  Now that we are animal free, we can spend the night somewhere and not have to worry about muttley.  The deal includes 2 dinners & 2 breakfasts as well as a room.  This package runs until Dec. 20th, but will pick up again after the 1st of the year.  YAY!

We had a blast at Thanksgiving!  I haven’t laughed so hard or that much in a long long time!  Thanks, S4L for having us over!!!  I was down the next two days, one because I was very tired; the other, because it’s the holidays.  And you know me and the holidays – those dang blues get to rearing their ugly head.  So I spent 2 days in bed watching McMillan and Wife on Netflix.

I’m doing better now – I forced myself out of bed on Sunday to do laundry & dishes.  I knew if I stayed in bed another day, I wouldn’t be able to move come Monday.  When hubby got home, we wandered to the craft fair across the street and bought an ornament for the exchange at the Women’s Bible Study group.  Today I had to fight my knee pain.  When I finally got home, I took a pain pill and started feeling better.

Not much else new – just hanging in.

 

Discouraged

Tonight I was feeling discouraged and loss of hope.  So strong that I was mad, sad, frustrated and felt that I don’t have a purpose.   What is God’s purpose for me?  I’ve wasted my healthy years thinking of me and now that I’m not well, I’m still thinking of me.

How do I proceed to do what God put me on this earth to do without being bogged down with thinking about what I’m going through.  How my body is changing with Scleroderma.  How do I go through the physical changes and not get so discouraged?

While sitting in my pitty party, God smacked me up side the head and told me to look up the verses in the Bible on Discouragement.

There are several that struck me and thanks to hubby’s Life Application Bible, I was able to go through the verses and read the commentaries.

The ones I highlighted in my Bible are:  Deuteronomy 1:22; Deuteronomy 31:8; Joshua 1:9; Joshua 8:1; 1 Chronicles 22:13; 1 Chronicles 28:20; 2 Chronicles 20:15; 2 Chronicles 20:17; Job 4:5; Isaiah 42:4; and Ephesians 3:13.

Over and over I’m reminded Do not be afraid, to be strong and courageous.  Do not be discouraged.

In the commentaries of these verses, one said the only way to lose is to give up.  Giving up is something I think about.  What if I just gave up and stayed in bed all day long every day.  So when I read, “The only way to lose is to give up” – well that got my attention.

Another commentary really hit home as I’ve got some things to face and deal with.  In 1 Chronicles 28:20 it says, “Be strong and courageous and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord God is with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.”  The commentary of this said to not be frightened of this task.  Fear can immobilize us.  The size of a job, it’s risks or pressure of the situation can cause us to freeze and do nothing.  One remedy of fear is found here; instead, get to work – getting started is often the most difficult and frightening part of a job.  Yes, I’ve been hit by God’s 2 x 4 again.  It’s such a simple solution, but a hard one in the flesh.

The best commentary is about 2 Chronicles 20:15 – We may not fight an enemy army, but every day we battle temptation, pressure & rulers of this dark world, who want us to rebel against God.  Remember as believers, we have God’s Spirit in us.  If we ask God’s help when we face struggles, God will fight for us and God always Triumphs.

I love the list of how to let God fight for us:

  1. By realizing the battle is not ours, but God’s
  2. By recognizing human limitations & allowing God’s strength to work through our fears & weakness.
  3. By making sure we are pursuing God’s interest and not just our own selfish desires.
  4. By asking God for help in our daily battles.

Why do I try to do things in my own strength.  Why do I get discouraged when it says right there that He is with me, fighting for me?

What started out as a very discouraged, no hope evening has turned into a comfort and encouragement from my Heavenly Father.  I can’t wait to attack the next verses on Hope and Illness.

No Title, Just Feelings

So here I lie – well, not really, as I’m sitting up in bed, watching “What a Girl Wants.”

I’m frustrated that I’m sick and the antibiotics don’t seem to be working – I still feel crappy.  I love that the doc is sending another RX to the pharmacy – hopefully this new one will work.

I’m looking at my arms and seeing the change in my skin.  The sores, the rippling, the bumps & scarring – I don’t recognize my body anymore.  My hands are looking crippled and dark and my knuckles are red.

My throat hurts – not sure if it’s because I’m sick or if it’s this disease – or both.  It’s not fun – this craziness going on in my body.

I’m sad and scared – not of dying, but of not seeing  my kids & grandkids.

I’m frustrated that I don’t have a good relationship with any of them.  I know I’m probably to blame – but I don’t know what to do.  I did the best I could – but obviously it wasn’t good enough for them.

Sometimes I want to just give up – feeling unloved by my kids.  They don’t care – sometimes I wonder why I do.

I wish I had the money to do a bucket list.  Just go off and do what I’ve always wanted with hubby so we can live our last years together & make memories.  That’s a wish I’d love to happen.

It’s hard to think that one day I may be leaving this world.  Sometimes it’s depressing – but I know I’ll be going to home to Jesus – when the time comes.

I need to get our finances together & organized so when I do go, it’s not a complete disaster for Hubby.

I also wish my daughter had a forgiving heart.  She just cuts everyone off that confronts her – I pray she opens her mind and God softens her heart so she can truly accept things & be loving – to know what love is.  I miss her a lot!  I miss a close relationship with her.  I miss doing things together.  I just miss her.

I miss all my kids – maybe one day they’ll visit – hopefully it won’t be when it’s  too late and I’m not mobile or worse yet, during my memorial.

I’d ask them over for Thanksgiving, but I know I’d be disappointed as they would rather spend time with others than with me.

I may be sad – I may be depressed – I may be frustrated – but that’s how I’m feeling at this moment.

I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling unloved and neglected by my children.  This is probably how my mom felt with us.  What goes around, comes around, I suppose.

Hah – Woe is Me – I spend the days being sad – covering up as much as I can,  but still sad inside.

At times I think I should just buck  up and let it go, other times – not so much.

Melt Down

Yes, I finally melted down last Saturday night.  I was thinking of my longevity and started feeling unloved & unappreciated as I thought about my children and how they haven’t visited in a long time.  One did visit in March, but it was on the way to a funeral.  We did get to keep 2 of the 3 grandchildren overnight, which was great fun!!  With talk of returning sometime this summer, my hopes were dashed as summer is now over and the school year has started.

So, yeah, all the self-talk going on in my head just became too overwhelming and I lost it.  Hubby was so great at just holding me as I cried.  The next morning, he stayed home with me as I continue to cry uncontrollably.

I know my kids have their lives, which we’ve always told them that their immediate family (spouse & children) come first before anyone else, but one would hope all or any of them would visit more often.

As much as my husband was supportive, my son was just as much, with his words of encouragement and support.  He’s always been the one child that lets me into his life, whether good or bad.  It’s not favoritism, however, he is the farthest away, yet, he’s the closest, as he calls more often.

We’ve taught our children to be independent … It sucks that we did too good of a job!!

 

If I drank, I’d be having one!!!

An ending to a crap day.   Don’t ya just love those?  I went to the eye doc for a check up.  I’ve been a bit disappointed as my right eye is still blurry even with my new glasses.  So he says my cataract has grown.  I may need to have that surgery.  I have to go to his office in Carson because he has the scanner at that office.  So … I’m so friggin’ thrilled I could throw a nice heavy rock through my window, just to hear the glass break!  In my mind, I’m already breaking every thing in sight, including the televisions.   I’m mad, sad, scared and disappointed.  Aren’t you glad you are not me?

Now What?

Sometimes I think to myself … Lord, you can come anytime, I’m ready to be done with this body.  Then I think of my grand-babies and know I”m not ready to leave them.  This past week was one of those times when I was ready for Him to come.

Something new and exciting for me … Wet Macular Degeneration … for information on this, click here.   I’m not sure how I feel about it and I’m not thrilled there is no cure, but I’m thankful there is something they can do to try and slow down the progression of the vision loss.

I found out on Thursday afternoon that I had this and the doc wanted to get me in the next day to get the testing done right away., however, his and my schedule just wasn’t going to work.   I’m not thrilled there is a week wait, but then again, I need the week to prepare myself.  I’ve gone through all the normal initial reactions and now I’m slowly getting to acceptance.  It is, what is it and with God’s grace and guidance, strength, comfort and peace, I’ll get through this.   There have been times I’ve been sad, angry, frustrated and plain ticked off, but I’m working through it.

Thursday is the day I go through 2 hours of testing so my eye doc can determine the next plan of action.  Prayers are welcome and I’ll keep y’all posted.

Fire and Ice

This morning I was mad.  I was so mad I could feel the anger bubbling and the resentment building that I wanted to just explode and scream and yell.  Knowing that isn’t what Jesus would do, I sat and gave it all to God, my anger, my yelling, my madness, my resentment.  I feel so much better and the red I was seeing is fading away.  I’m pretty happy about that as my throat is sore and yelling and screaming isn’t something that would do me good.

When I went to the doc on Tuesday about my sore throat, I asked him about my hip.  I’m not thrilled about his diagnosis.  With the symptoms  I gave him, turns out I have Sciatica.  Basically, a nerve is being pinched, because my disc in my lower back is protruding out.  I’m supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible.  If it doesn’t calm down, it will eventually need surgery.  The minute he said the “S” work, I decided to find alternative help.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor.  He put me on the decompression table, which is a traction table.  It really felt good and soon I felt circulation in my feet … which I had no idea I was lacking.  After that he adjusted my back and neck.  I have to go through several treatments and I’m hopeful that it will relieve the problem.  He also gave me an ice pack, which I am to use as often as possible.

My GP gave me antibiotics for my throat.  It isn’t on fire like it was, but it is still sore.    So I just want to sit here and eat my sorrows away.   Probably not a good thing, but getting comfort from food is my downfall!! 

I guess I had better get the hubby up, so he can go to the eye doc.  Y’all have a great Thursday.  I’ll be going back and forth between the couch and the bed with my trusty ice pack and glass of water.

The Great Depression

No, not a post on the economy as we are probably close to it, but a post on sadness.  Hey it’s December, the month of my great depression.

I have to admit this is close to the worst.  The worst being the time I wanted to end it all.  I so want that fast forward button to January.

Why do I get this way?  These are my thought on this.  Not in any particular order, but my thoughts as they come to me:

  • Hormones – dang those things!
  • No family around – although I’m okay with that other months of the year.  Go figure!
  • Same month – birthday, anniversary and a husband who doesn’t plan anything  to make these days special.
  • No grandchildren around. 

Is there anything worst than being depressed and having no idea why?  I mean, yes, the above saddens me, but there is so much heaviness weighing me down, that I cannot identify the other things.  

I cry watching the tele.  I crawl into bed and cry.  I cry as I’m sitting here.  What the heck!!??   I often wonder if this is a hereditary thing.  I remember my mom crocheting and crying.  Or just sitting and staring into space with tears running down her cheeks.  If she heard me coming, she’d turn the other way.  But it was too late, as I had already seen the tears. 

I do have my faith.  I do have my relationship with my Savior.  I don’t know why I suffer with this depression, but  I do hold on tight to God through these dark days, because I know  He’s the only one that will get me through this.

I celebrate the birth of my Savior for He was sent to save a wretch like me.  Amazing Grace is what I’ve been given as the world’s darkness tries to bind me and drag me down.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  Psalm 147:3