Today, November 5th, is my daughter’s 34th birthday. Ugh, am I really that old? Such a blessing and a gift she is. She was an amazing wonder through pregnancy and still is as an adult. Happy Birthday, Belle, I Love You!!
So here I lie – well, not really, as I’m sitting up in bed, watching “What a Girl Wants.”
I’m frustrated that I’m sick and the antibiotics don’t seem to be working – I still feel crappy. I love that the doc is sending another RX to the pharmacy – hopefully this new one will work.
I’m looking at my arms and seeing the change in my skin. The sores, the rippling, the bumps & scarring – I don’t recognize my body anymore. My hands are looking crippled and dark and my knuckles are red.
My throat hurts – not sure if it’s because I’m sick or if it’s this disease – or both. It’s not fun – this craziness going on in my body.
I’m sad and scared – not of dying, but of not seeing my kids & grandkids.
I’m frustrated that I don’t have a good relationship with any of them. I know I’m probably to blame – but I don’t know what to do. I did the best I could – but obviously it wasn’t good enough for them.
Sometimes I want to just give up – feeling unloved by my kids. They don’t care – sometimes I wonder why I do.
I wish I had the money to do a bucket list. Just go off and do what I’ve always wanted with hubby so we can live our last years together & make memories. That’s a wish I’d love to happen.
It’s hard to think that one day I may be leaving this world. Sometimes it’s depressing – but I know I’ll be going to home to Jesus – when the time comes.
I need to get our finances together & organized so when I do go, it’s not a complete disaster for Hubby.
I also wish my daughter had a forgiving heart. She just cuts everyone off that confronts her – I pray she opens her mind and God softens her heart so she can truly accept things & be loving – to know what love is. I miss her a lot! I miss a close relationship with her. I miss doing things together. I just miss her.
I miss all my kids – maybe one day they’ll visit – hopefully it won’t be when it’s too late and I’m not mobile or worse yet, during my memorial.
I’d ask them over for Thanksgiving, but I know I’d be disappointed as they would rather spend time with others than with me.
I may be sad – I may be depressed – I may be frustrated – but that’s how I’m feeling at this moment.
I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Feeling unloved and neglected by my children. This is probably how my mom felt with us. What goes around, comes around, I suppose.
Hah – Woe is Me – I spend the days being sad – covering up as much as I can, but still sad inside.
At times I think I should just buck up and let it go, other times – not so much.
Yes, I finally melted down last Saturday night. I was thinking of my longevity and started feeling unloved & unappreciated as I thought about my children and how they haven’t visited in a long time. One did visit in March, but it was on the way to a funeral. We did get to keep 2 of the 3 grandchildren overnight, which was great fun!! With talk of returning sometime this summer, my hopes were dashed as summer is now over and the school year has started.
So, yeah, all the self-talk going on in my head just became too overwhelming and I lost it. Hubby was so great at just holding me as I cried. The next morning, he stayed home with me as I continue to cry uncontrollably.
I know my kids have their lives, which we’ve always told them that their immediate family (spouse & children) come first before anyone else, but one would hope all or any of them would visit more often.
As much as my husband was supportive, my son was just as much, with his words of encouragement and support. He’s always been the one child that lets me into his life, whether good or bad. It’s not favoritism, however, he is the farthest away, yet, he’s the closest, as he calls more often.
We’ve taught our children to be independent … It sucks that we did too good of a job!!
Thank you to all that are serving and have served in the Armed Forces of these United States! Because of your service and some, their sacrafice, we live in a country of freedom of speech, as well as freedom of religion. So thank you all!!!
The past few months are coming back to me in bits and pieces. In July, I had announced that our middle daughter was expecting. Unfortunately, she lost the baby sometime before her next doctor’s appointment. It broke my heart, not so much for me, but for her and her hubby. I know she has been wanting a baby and to hear she was going to have a baby was such joyful news. When they called to tell me what happened, I felt so sad for them.
She’s doing well now, but a loss can leave a scar so deep that it appears when you least expect it!
At the Women of Faith Conference, one of the speakers talked about losing a child. Then she called those that had lost a child under any circumstances to stand. It was quite comforting when I looked around and realized I wasn’t the only one standing and acknowledging the pain and hurt that goes with losing a baby. Mine wasn’t due to a miscarriage, mine was due to an abortion. Even though it was a choice, I think the part that hurts the most was that it wasn’t my choice. The choice had been made for me by others, unbeknownst to the one I was dating. Even though I’ve worked through so much of my past, I was surprised that just acknowledging what happened during this conference had my memories flooding back. I’m thankful that it wasn’t a shameful memory, but a joyful memory that ended in sadness.
I’ve been pretty scarce lately. I apologize for that, I just haven’t had a chance to sit down and write about my last 4 months.
As you know in July I had eye surgery. It went real well and it took 3 months for my eye to stable out. The doc said that my eye sight would change over 3 months. And it did, I was finally released by the surgeon at the beginning of October. I just saw my regular eye doctor and he is able to correct my eye sight to 20/30. I’m excited, the doc not so much! I guess my cataracts have grown, especially in my surgical eye. So I guess that is my next endeavor … cataract surgery. I still have to recoup the cost of the last surgery. But, we’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
My son got married in September at Zion National Park. We had such a great time visiting with family. Here is a picture of my beautiful children
along with hubby and I. I couldn’t find the one with hubby and I. Actually I see it everyday as it is on my desktop, but I couldn’t get it to upload to WordPress. Yes, I am a dork!!
It was so great to see my children and grandchildren. They all have grown so much, but they are sure getting to be their own person. HAH, children and grandchildren. Also to be in such a beautiful area, Zion National Park. I told hubby that I could live there. It would be so cool!!! Just saying!
Work has been busy, as September is the start of the ministry year. With the business comes craziness but, a fun craziness. Before my son’s wedding, he told me that he is in A-Fib and they had to shock his heart to get his sinus rhythm back . Well, it didn’t work and the next step is a pacemaker. So in October, he called to let me know that he was having his pacemaker put in on October 15th. After my silent initial reaction, I called him the next day to see if he wanted me to come out. After he and his new bride discussed it, I flew out to Lincoln on Saturday, 10/13. He had his surgery on Monday, as scheduled and spent the night to make sure all was okay. His dad and step-mom surprised him and showed up when he returned from recovery. Ry went home the next day and he is getting better everyday. By the time I left, he was driving and the seat belt wasn’t irritating his incision, well, not as much as it did in the beginning. I had asked him the other day how he was feeling and he said great! I didn’t get to see anyone while I was back in Nebraska, which I apologize for, because I stayed at the house and hung out with the new puppy, my son and his family. I’m excited for them as they had just bought and moved into a home, before his surgery. It’s a cute house and the furniture they got for it, transforms the rooms! Sometimes, I wish I lived closer to all my kids … maybe one day, we’ll get to spend time traveling around to spend a little time with each one.
The Friday after I got home, I went with 2 buses full of ladies from our church to the Women of Faith Conference in Sacramento. Wow, what an experience! I had a great time. So many uplifting speakers and great music. If you are a female and this conference comes to an area near you, don’t hesitate to go!! You won’t regret it. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we were amazed, and in total awe of all that we saw and experienced! I fell in love with my Savior all over again. I’m hoping next year, I can get all my girls to go with me. Now that would be cool, to get my daughters and daughter in law to go. We’ll see.
In between all of this, I’ve been sick. Three times on antibiotics and this last time was working. That is until I felt so good and decided to rake the leaves in the front yard. I was so exhausted that it was difficult to even lift my arms to put the piles in the hopper. Once I finished, I was done. I went to bed and stayed there. Today I’m better … well, enough to go to work and then to the eye doc. Now I’m ready for bed and it’s only 7:16pm.
Tomorrow is voting day. I’ve already voted … but it’s exciting to see the commitment of people to go out there and vote. We may or may not agree on the candidates or the issues, but we are doing what this country is all about … democracy … making your choice known by voting. Standing up for your beliefs. Just remember, for those that are standing up for their beliefs and voting on their chosen candidate, that is exactly what the next person is doing. That choice may be the same as yours, but it also may be different from yours, but we all are choosing to do what made us so privileged to live in the USA, voting for our choice. It looks to be a close race and we’ve all done our part. Whichever candidate wins, I pray that this candidate does what is best for our country. Does what’s best for our citizens and get this country recovering from the huge debt, the unemployment, the foreclosures, etc. So choose your candidate, but remember, the rest of that voting line will choose theirs.
I know it’s been some time since I last posted. I am still alive – YAY – and I’m still recovering. Surgery was on July 10th and I survived the face down for a week. I’m not sure my neck has. It’s still sore and moving my neck is still tough, but it’s getting better. A big thank you to my sister who came and spent 2 weeks with us while I recovered, AND in a hot, no air conditioned house, during the Dog Days of Summer! She was a trooper and helped us out quite a bit!!
This same sister went to the hospital on Thursday with a numb arm. Thankfully, after several tests and a night at the hospital, all tests were good. However, they did find arthritis in her neck, which could cause the numbness.
But this got me thinking – in my family my sisters and I are the oldest generation. Considering our oldest sister is 70; the sis I’m talking about is 63; and I’m 53 – we are the older generation. That’s kinda freaky if I think about it. The three of us have health issues and once we are gone, then the next generation will be our children. It’s the way of life, I suppose, but I never thought I’d be one of the oldest generations in my father’s immediate family (I’m still in my 20′s – at least that’s what my brain says.)
The oldest of the next generation (our children) is 47, the youngest is 31. Wow … I do feel old now!!!
I was at a leadership summit and one of the speakers talked about honoring not just the older generation, but also the younger generation. Interesting thought – made me think, do I honor the younger generation?
“Honor believes the best. Dishonor believes the worst
Honor values others. Dishonor devalues others
Honor builds up. Dishonor tears down.
Respect is earned but honor is given
Show honor to those above you.
Show honor to those below you.”
Both generations must be intentional about working together and honoring each other.
Do you honor those above you?
Do you honor those below you?
Do you have work to do? I know I do!!!
Our middle child (my daughter) - the one that told me to NOT expect a child from her and that I would have to be happy with her step-daughter – Is expecting and due in February!!! Woo Hoo!!! Congratulations Belle & Erik! (p.s. I am really happy with her step-daughter! She’s our oldest grandchild!)
…how your children will turn out. I knew my son had a sense of romance in him, but … you have got to check out his and his fiance’s website.
Love the engagement section. Hah, makes a momma proud!
Our youngest granddaughter’s 1 year birthday today. Time sure flies. I haven’t even seen her yet … but the pictures are great!
… but it seems my holiday depression is back for its yearly visit. It would be nice to fast forward to January however, I guess I need to face each day … one day at a time.
I guess what started it all is that I’m not feeling well. Being on antibiotics for 9 days, just makes me nuts! I know that I’m almost done with my prescription but still … ugh! Now all weekend I’ve been in bed … too cold to get out, except for a couple of hours. As I type, I’m in bed, covered up watching, “Sundays at Tiffanys.”
It’s really bad that I just want to get through the next 3 days of work, so I can hide out for 4 days at home. We possibly may go to one of my volunteers house for Thanksgiving – but that depends on if she feels like cooking … lol … I can so relate! I still need to go grocery shopping, but I haven’t decided if I’m going to cook anything or go out to eat all weekend long.
I’d love to have the kids visit here for the holidays, but I know that will never happen, unless I’m dead … but it would be nice. So, hubby, dog and I get to go through the holidays together again. I wish it was January!