Happy New Year, 4 days late

I started the new year with a bang – sick – again!  I am not amused nor amazed!  Of course, hubby is worst than me.  All I can say is – Not. Again.

I was so happy to say goodbye to 2013.  It was a rough year, starting from the beginning.  I had high hopes that 2014 would be better, that is until we came down sick.  There’s an awful flu going around that can turn into viral pneumonia.  I’m worried that is what the hubs has.   Being viral, well, not much they can do.  He’s been on antibiotics to keep any infection at bay, but his ribs are hurting evrytime he coughs or sneezes.   He does have the strong cough syrup, I may give him another dose so he can sleep.

Looking out my window, the sky is blue and the sun is shining bright.  I have the front door open to let some air in.  I really just want to go out there and wander.  My knees are not letting me do too much wandering these days.  They hurt and I wince, sometimes scream, when I have to move them.  I’m not thrilled that the right knee is getting as bad as the left.

The time is getting closer for the new grand-baby’s arrival.   I can’t wait to meet this little bundle of joy.  Thankfully both mom  & baby are doing well.

Not much else is going on from this side of the computer.   I hope you have a great weekend!

 

Dog, Yard & X-rays

We’ve been dog sitting a Cocker Spaniel this past week.  His mom and dad come home sometime on Saturday and they’ll pick him up on Sunday.  I’ve really enjoyed having this dog around.  He is such a good boy and so loving.   Hubby just told the dog that he can’t tell his parents what we let him do.  LOL, yes, we’ve spoiled him.  Hopefully he’ll adjust to being home quickly.

One of our friend’s son needed extra money to get his phone fixed.  We had him over to rake the back yard as neither hubby nor I can do the yard.  It’s difficult with his messed up tendons in his elbow and my ridiculous disease.  He did a great job!!!

I’ve written my speech and now I need to memorize it.  It didn’t turn out like I thought it would, but I think it will be interesting.

I know my hubby tries to be supportive in all that I’m going through, but sometimes things get a little too overwhelming for him.  The other day his anger and frustration about not being able to fix it came out.  I feel bad as neither of us can do anything about it, just wait and see what’s next that the doc has to treat.  I now have to get X-rays on both knees.  It is never a dull moment in my world.

I’ve found a Vegan Blog with yummy sounding desserts, well yeah, it also had food, but I miss desserts!!  I got onto this blog because last night I had Kung Pao Tofu at the Chinese restaurant in town.  It’s now my new favorite thing to order there.  So I was trying to find recipes to make it at home.  I’m really missing  my sweets.

Anyway, thought I’d stop in and hear myself talk!  Y’all have a great weekend!!!

 

 

Melt Down

Yes, I finally melted down last Saturday night.  I was thinking of my longevity and started feeling unloved & unappreciated as I thought about my children and how they haven’t visited in a long time.  One did visit in March, but it was on the way to a funeral.  We did get to keep 2 of the 3 grandchildren overnight, which was great fun!!  With talk of returning sometime this summer, my hopes were dashed as summer is now over and the school year has started.

So, yeah, all the self-talk going on in my head just became too overwhelming and I lost it.  Hubby was so great at just holding me as I cried.  The next morning, he stayed home with me as I continue to cry uncontrollably.

I know my kids have their lives, which we’ve always told them that their immediate family (spouse & children) come first before anyone else, but one would hope all or any of them would visit more often.

As much as my husband was supportive, my son was just as much, with his words of encouragement and support.  He’s always been the one child that lets me into his life, whether good or bad.  It’s not favoritism, however, he is the farthest away, yet, he’s the closest, as he calls more often.

We’ve taught our children to be independent … It sucks that we did too good of a job!!

 

First Month

My experiences in the first month with Lupus – it S U C K S!!!!   LOL, I felt so lost as everything I had read was such a doom & gloom type of thing.  Yes, it said that many have gone on to live productive lives for 30+ years, but it got me to thinking, if I’ve had this for awhile, how many of those 30+ years have I already spent??  Just one of the thoughts that goes through my mind.

So I actually had to grieve my health.  To give myself permission to feel the loss and sadness of not being able to do what I would take for granted.  So basically, I went through the 5 stages of grief.  I kept going back and forth between anger and depression, one feeding the other constantly, however, until I found a book about the first year of Lupus, by a person who was diagnosed with Lupus in 1999, did I start moving toward acceptance.

In this book everything that I am walking through, physically & emotionally, she has walked through and talks about it in her book.  It’s like having a friend right there with you, letting you know what to expect, however, NOT telling you what to do.  Which is pretty wise on her part as each body is different and unfortunately, Lupus affects each body different.    So I’m getting support through a book, even though many people I’ve come across have said that they know so and so who has Lupus and I can give them a call so you can talk.  I know it is a good thing to have a support system, which I do have, but to have a live support group of lupus fighters, I’m not ready for.  If I get too much info, my eyes glaze over and I tune them out.  So reading this book is a blessing.  I can read as much as I can handle, put it down, then in a couple of days, start up again.

One thing that she says, and unfortunately, I’ve found out myself, is that there will be trial and error.  More like trial and fire!  I’ve been trying to drink more water.  I detest the taste of water.  I know some of you will say there is no taste, but there really is.  So I have to chug it down.  If I have to drink water, I’m a water snob and have to drink bottled water.  Well, we ran out of bottled water and being the stubborn person that I am, wouldn’t drink even the Britta filtered water.  Instead I drank diet soda all day long for almost a week.  Well, my body let me know that it wasn’t happy with that.

Both of my wrists, both of my ankles and the balls of both of my feet felt like someone was stabbing them with nails all at the same time.  I’ve already been in pain, but with that much pain, I couldn’t move and all I could do was cry.  I did take a pain pill, but it was taking forever to get to these areas.    Hubby was the best, when he came into our room to check on me, he saw I was crying.  So he turned everything off in the front room and came to bed and sat with me until the meds took affect.  I now know I cannot do artificial sweeteners.

I had mentioned to one of my friends that I caught a glimpse of the pain Jesus went through for us.  If in my flesh I couldn’t handle it, it is just amazing to me how much He loves us to go through all that he went through for us.

Thankfully my regular doc tweaked my pain meds.  The pain isn’t a debilitating pain/ache.  I can actually move without too much discomfort.  Friday night I actually danced at the concert in the park.  I paid for it later, but after not being able to move without extreme pain for the last 5 months, I was celebrating with dance.   I even made it to church last night!!  I haven’t been in a long time.

So that is my first month’s experience.  I now feel almost normal, but still have to be careful not to over do it.  As the doc is able to manage my pain, there isn’t much he can do about the fatigue.   What my brain thinks I can do, I know I can only realistically do about 1/4 of what my brain thinks.  Dang that inner child!!!

Drum Roll Please ….

Diagnosis – Doc is 90% sure I have Lupus.  I now have a new medication to take and will do another blood test in 4 months and see him after that.

Today was a good day, as I hurt this morning, but, by the time I got to work, I was able to move without too much pain.  After the doc appt., we went to Reno and had dinner then wandered the mall, looking for jeans.  Hubby is now confused on the sizing of women’s clothes.  HAH – I told him, now he understands why I am so frustrated when I go clothes shopping.

It was good to walk, but walking was hard.   I got slower and slower as we wandered back and forth.  I finally had to listen to my body and tell hubby that I was done and it was time to go home.  I guess, I need to be more aware of my body and pay attention to what I can do and accept the things I cannot do, for now.

I’m still hurting, but I’m glad I have a diagnosis and a plan.  As much as I’m not looking forward to NOT eating processed foods, I’m looking forward to investigating and discovering a new lifestyle diet.

So, thanks for hanging in with me while I was silent, waiting for test results.

Six Months!?!

Actually it is 6 1/2 months for my initial appointment with the Rheumatologist – my appointment is October 31st.  What the heck!!!!!  I guess we don’t have that many in this area, so they book out 6 months at a time.  If I have something serious, I’ll be crippled by that time!!  Argh!!  Kinda frustrating on my end.    We see our regular doc next week, we’ll ask him if this is normal for up here.  One of his daughter’s that work in his office, said that 6 months is normal.  Crazy, I tell ya, just Crazy!!!

I survived my 2nd full day at work!!  Hubby’s not feeling well again, as he has a low grade fever.  We both do not need this all over again.  I’m finally feeling almost normal, I cannot get sick again!!  Neither can he, he’s pretty aggravated also.  *sigh* I don’t think it helps that it is still cold here and it was snowing today.  I am so looking forward to 70′s this weekend.  I may work in the yard!  Well, as much as I can.  I find I have to go slow in whatever I do.  I walked to the post office the other day and I was moving at a turtle’s pace.

What next?

Or do I dare ask that question?

My hands have been hurting and swollen.  So the last time I was in to see the doc I asked him if we could do the blood test to see if I had Scleroderma.  I just got back from the doc, as he has received my results.  My Rheumatoid Factor is above the normal range and my ANA result is Positive Abnormal.  Now I know I’m abnormal, but to actually see it on the test … well …

Basically what this means is that I have to be referred to a Rheumatologist who will then do more testing to narrow down what I have.  My doc feels I have one of the following:  Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus or Scleroderma.  Of these three I hope I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have seen with my own eyes what Scleroderma can do, as I had a sister who died from this disease.  Lupus is not much better.  But…now I get to play the waiting game as the Rheumatologists in this area are only in Reno and the wait is about 3 to 4 weeks or longer.

I’ve been using a squishy ball to massage my hands.  Plus using lotion every time I wash my hands to keep them from drying out.

Have I told you how much this getting old stuff really stinks???  Well it does!!!!

What’s the point?

I went through the pre-op procedure for my surgeries.  Wow, is our insurance messed up!  We pay quite a bit per month in premiums and the only amount the insurance will pay is $246 per eye.  Really?  Wow, those of you that are on the State Retirement Plan – beware!  Even the person at the surgical center confirmed that we were screwed as part of the state retirement system.  How comforting is that?!?

I told my hubby that I’m tired of working to support all those that don’t want to work and I’d rather be part of the problem instead of part of the solution!  Granted, we laughed, but  …  it get’s me thinking … why … What’s the point?

Yes, I’m griping, but where else can I gripe but here.  You as the reader have the choice to move along or  comment.  It doesn’t matter.   I’m just a bit frustrated with the system.   And I don’t see it getting better any time soon.  I think it’s time for me to find and buy my island to live on!

 

If I drank, I’d be having one!!!

An ending to a crap day.   Don’t ya just love those?  I went to the eye doc for a check up.  I’ve been a bit disappointed as my right eye is still blurry even with my new glasses.  So he says my cataract has grown.  I may need to have that surgery.  I have to go to his office in Carson because he has the scanner at that office.  So … I’m so friggin’ thrilled I could throw a nice heavy rock through my window, just to hear the glass break!  In my mind, I’m already breaking every thing in sight, including the televisions.   I’m mad, sad, scared and disappointed.  Aren’t you glad you are not me?

And The Envelope Please …

After several tests, the doc could see a film over my right retina which is pulling on the retina causing the blood vessels to leak into the film.  The only way to get rid of this film is by surgery.  So, the next step is to have the surgeon take a look at it and decide when to schedule surgery and all that jazz.  Neither hubby nor I remembered to ask what caused the film, but I’m guessing it’s my diabetes.

There is a film in my left eye, however, it isn’t over my retina and not affecting my central vision.

So, I though I’d drop in to keep y’all posted.  Hope you have a great weekend!

All  of you Dads out there – Happy Father’s Day!!